Learning to...

You know you are vanilla when....

2012-02-11T14:07:00.000-08:00

Swinger: Well, you know you are truly heading down the vanilla route when a friends so you some pictures of hedo and all you can see is an old dude getting sucked off in tube socks and think "damn, that dude is as old as my dad. I wouldn't want to see that happening". My friend was shocked that I didn't find it hot at all. It was like "no, that is not hot....pictures of guys of my dad's age getting sucked off is not for me man. That would make me run from hedo". I must be vanilla. I can't get into the mind set "wow, look at them screwing". I was more fixated on the ages. You know that is a sign of returning to vanilla probably. When you are swinging, I don't recall really noticing people's ages too much. Though it is funny that is all I saw when I saw the text.

Our friends are in hedo next month for the first time and they are going alone so they are trying to meet up with some people via the websites so they can get a feel for the place. That can be smart but that can be in a way, a pain. What happens if they meet some people online only to meet them at the place and they annoy you for the whole trip? I would be petrified at that. It's hard to tell people, "hey, you are nice but I am not swinging with you". We never really mastered that one. We'll see how it goes for them but you have to laugh.

What are the chances...

2012-02-07T17:49:00.000-08:00

Vanilla: What are the chances that both my husband and I get sick? Argh, what a weekend. Mr. Learning and I were struggling with the worst cabin fever ever. We were chomping at the bit to get out because it's been months since we have done anything fun...well, we are talking about vanilla fun that is...swinger fun, well that almost seems like ancient history. We started trying to think of things to do. Go to Frakenmuth (which is a killer German town in Michigan), hit some Breweries, priceline a room in Chicago, or visit some relatives. After a process of elimination, we decided the cheap wise thing is to make a trip to see a family member. Both of our folks are wintering down south so that leaves our siblings. I called my sister and her family was sick so we decided to travel out to Detroit to see Mr. Learning's sister. Feeling good, we packed baby learning in the car and headed out. We had a fabulous evening and we got to chill out some. Everything was going great then.....baby learning woke up every hour on the hour in his new pack and play. Granted now this is a brand new pack and play because I thought my last one was junk and prevented him from sleep. Guess what? The new one did not make a difference. That little guy does not do well at all in it. He rolls all over it and when he hits a side he wakes up screaming. The only thing that I can think of is that my little guy is really tall for 11 months. He's about 33 inches right now. Which is in the 100% percentile of height. So I was getting up non-stop. Then in the middle of that, I start to get flushed and start getting the chills. Then Mr. Learning comes to bed and he has the chills as well. I thought "oh crap we have the flu". We make it to the morning and baby learning is up a 7am and I take him downstairs where I find my 9 year old nephew up and rearing to go. I cannot stay focused. About 9:30, my sister in law wakes up and luckily she was willing to watch baby learning. I go back to bed and I am out for the count. I sleep for a few hours and Mr. Learning is barely functioning. I'm doing a tad better but I feel like a steam roller flattened me...and we have a 3.5 hour trip home. We were finally able to pull it together and we journeyed home. Went to bed at 7:30 that night and slept. I fair rough but go to work on Monday (I've only called in twice in the past 12 years at my job). Mr. Learning goes in to see the doctor and it's strep. Yup...lucky us, we have strep. We figured out that baby must have been the carrier because when he was sick two weeks ago, he must of had strep because so far, the little man is not falling ill. This totally bites. Right when I get my grove on too. I was able to hit the gym four days last week. Now I am out until Thursday :( boo!

Though the only good that is coming from this is that our appetites have been so poor, all I can manage to eat is soup and smoothies. I wanted to lose weight but I wasn't expecting this. Maybe I need to rephrase what I ask for...

Regardless, we have both decided that traveling with the baby is not in our cards. As much as we like to get out and stay overnight, this is not going to happen. Getting up on the hour every hour does not trump the pros of getting out of the house. We have a mini outing to Mackinaw in June that we will have to decide if baby is coming or not. Maybe it's his age but how in the heck to people travel with younger kids? At least in the upcoming months, we have inlaws that can watch the little guy. We will figure it out...maybe :)

Swinger: Friends are going to Hedo next month. So happy for them! I was doing some peaking at the resorts and it sounds interesting. I would definitely go sometime but we would have to stay on the prude side and go exploring on the wild side. Our friends are more exhibitionists/nudists so they will do terrific. For Mr. Learning and I, we like clothing. I can't ever see myself walking around naked...tried it once and it wasn't my cup of tea. In my book, too much naked is not a good thing. When getting with people in person, it's kind of nice to "unwrap" them of their clothes. Looking at their wanker right away might be a deterrent because I also like to see what's underneath...sometimes there are surprises but their personality won out so it doesn't matter. One of the hottest partners we have had, the guy had a dick the size of my pinkie but he was so hot, it didn't matter. If I knew that ahead of time, that might have been a "no". Clothing is good! At least in my world it is...

Wow, what a difference a week makes...

2012-02-01T19:12:00.000-08:00

Vanilla: I hit a low point last week. I have to say if that was my rock bottom, I don't want to be visiting that place again. Saturday morning was awful. I had my weigh in at Jenny and they asked how I was doing and I'm like "Hey, I'm not going to bull crap you. I feel like total shit this morning and no matter what you say, I know it's me. There's no spinning my behavior. I'm just floating right now. I'm not meeting my goals, and I don't care". The sad thing is that I did not care wither or not I was meeting my goals. I was so tired from baby learning not sleeping from teething, I was awful, emotional, and sad. She went onto encourage Mr. Learning and I to go on a vacation. Oh dear girl, how I would love to but that's not an option right now. I left there in a daze. I also was totally disgusted by myself. Then I ended up breaking down with Mr. Learning. I just started to bawl when he put up our baby gets and put them six inches off the floor. Now, I normally would not care but I was like WTF. You are the freaking smartest man that I know but honey, really? six inches off the floor, do you not see our son trying to hang off those? So I started to just sob about how I hate my life, I'm overwhelmed, I feel stress about finding a job, and I am so sleep deprived that I couldn't function. I told him to get out of the house for a bit so I would have time to think and calm down. He did. I got some clarity, calmed down, and got centered. I chatted with Mr. Learning on what I need right now. I need some support, I need sleep, and I need to merge my old life with my new life. Then the universe started to be kinder. It knew I needed some support. BB from Our open marriage adventures texted me (you will never know how much I truly needed that support) and my old friend from high school who I spoke about here. Something began to click. I started to think about my old goals of fitness and eating better.

Then on Monday, I got to sit in with a behavioralist. I watched him talk to this person and I was in awe because in a way, what he was saying to her, is what I needed to hear. I had this light bulb moment of that my life during the last two years has been operating out of fear and being scared. I truly have been operating out of fear lately so I needed to change, get control back. Where I have control is this job thing. Okay, I truly love my job. I love it. It's awesome. I am respected and unless if I get this other killer job, I am not leaving. We will have to work with it. The other thing, I want to work out. Now, I cannot control if my son sleeps all night, but I can control when I got to bed. I'm settling in at 10:15 and waking up at 5:20 to go to the gym. And I am back to logging the points with Weight Watchers.

Hubman, Josh, Mr. No Name you guys were right. You both have been saying take a step back, breathe. It's taken me a while but breathing calmly is now occurring.

Looking back, I fell into this trap after baby learning. I had a good flow going in the beginning because I wanted to have our old swinging life back. I wanted to be trim for that. I wanted to hit the lifestyle again before fall because that is where the fun was. Well, those were the wrong reasons for me. I'm totally being selfish right now because I want to make changes for me, so I can be a better me, a better wife, and mother. I'm getting my flow back and it feels great. I do love my life and what it can look like in the future.

Thanks for your support all.

Swinger: Well, heck we all know there's nothing going on it that area but I do have to share that I was totally picking up a cute cop last week. Damn, she was a cutie. Glasses, pony tail, killer smile, and some curves. We were bantering back and forth and it was awesome dialogue. That's never happened before for me. Humm, I still can bring it with my cute smile :)

I am not digging myself lately...

2012-01-25T08:54:00.000-08:00

Vanilla: Or better off being said, I am not liking the person who I am turning into. I feel like my life has been on this roller coaster lately full of high's and low's. Lately, more low's than high but I honestly feel like I have been sinking slowly into a person I don't necessarily dig. It's hard being this new mom who is supposed to be full of confidence, energy, and spunk. Lately, I've been somewhat scared, lack of energy, and just generally dragging. I want more out of my day. I want to have that burst of energy again and that zest. I'm tired of floating. Maybe this is my rock bottom but I want things to change.

I have good intentions, really I do. I tell myself I am going to "start the gym next week", or "I am going to log my points tomorrow", or "I will not worry anymore". The frank reality, is that I haven't started the gym again, I haven't logged my points, and I am worrying about everything :( It's this endless hamster wheel.

I know my lack of doing better is tied into my emotions completely. I stress eat, I avoid, and I embrace denial...(yes, I may want to look into the mirror and not acknowledge that my muffin tops are there but really, who am I kidding, they are). Yesterday, I went to a meeting unprepared but luckily a coworker saved myself. I ran the meeting and was a tad scattered. Got a text in the meeting that baby learning may have foot and mouth so we have to take him in to the doctor then meet my husband at the doctor to find out that he has an unknown fever. Then I stop at Sonic, grab a huge drink, burger, and some chili cheese tots. This is not me. The old me would have never gone into a meeting so unprepared or stuffed my body with foods because I am not doing well with emotions. It's got to stop.

I am writing this as more of a confession of what I have been doing. As today is a new day and I have goals to accomplish. I'm tired of avoiding what I need to do. It's about time I figure things out because if I continue on the route I am on, I am so not going to like that person at all. She is not reflective of who I want to be. So here I go....

Full moon weeks tick me off :(

2012-01-14T13:18:00.000-08:00

Vanilla: I believe there is a direct correlation between the full moon and people's behavior. Really, there must be because it was a strange week this week. I'll start off with the challenging. Work. Yup, not fun with dealing with outside companies who are supposed to be on your side yet their ego's get into the way. They don't get that we all are working for a common goal. They think their way is the only way. Unfortunately, their way is full of gaps and when they eventually get caught with their pants down, well, lets just say I don't want to be a part of it so I spoke my mind. Nicely of course and was very professional but now my boss has to have a meeting next week because of what happened. I pray that she has my back. If she doesn't, it's sad because I am right on this. I offered to meet with the people who complained but instead of addressing it with me, they are going straight to the boss. Fuckers. So I feel I have no recourse but in the end, I guess karma will come to bite them in the ass. So that's the shitty thing that went on with me this week. I am really good, I mean really good, at what I do. I know my job, I know it well and when people question my ethics, I get really pissed off.

The good: I think I gave a good interview. It lasted about 2 hours. It was an interactive interview where I was asking the president of the company questions and she was asking met questions. I like what they are doing. I really think that they are a respectable firm making change in people's lives I loved her energy, attitude, and style. She told me at the end that if I am a match, she will bring me in to meet the team because there is some anxiety about getting a new manager because they are all seasoned staff. I told her that I am very open to it since if we all do not jive with each other, I would want to know because I expect some harmony within the unit and if not, I will respectfully decline to join the team. I will keep you posted if I get a 3 interview.

Swinger: Humm, as usual, nothing but hey, that's okay. We've seen the regulars so they keep us on the up to date drama in the community. There's always a bunch so I'm glad we are out of that aspect. Though, I totally miss the social aspect. There's a big party for Mardi Gras and they asked if we wanted to go but we declined. Since we have no childcare and are not big fans of leaving our child alone with a sitter yet, we will not go. It's nice to hear their excitement about meeting couples and hitting it off.

Humm...my friend Josh @ The journal to a sexually open marriage had a full swap last night. I am so excited for them as Josh has met my doppelganger (minus the evil) and fucked the shit out of her last night. And of course, my friend Hubman has been able to have two full swaps recently. You guys rock. I'll spend tonight catching up with my other blog friends but you guys rock and of course give me inspiration that one day too, we will swing again.

Now that was quick...

2012-01-04T17:54:00.000-08:00

Vanilla: I got a call for an interview! That was quick. HR left me a message and I called them back but got a voicemail. Woot Woot! I'm rusty on my interviewing skills. It's been close to 12 years since I have had to interview so if anyone has any pointers send them my way.

Swinger: Nothing like getting dirty texts from friends...it's always a pick me up. Mr. Regular sent us some nice pics out of the blue so those are always welcomed. Life is good!!!

Happy 2012 to you!

2012-01-02T19:22:00.000-08:00

Vanilla life: 2 killer resumes are out so wish me luck. It would be nice to hear back on one because it would entail working at a university. I'm totally what they are looking for so lets see if they bite on my resume. The other of course is a supervisor role so I'm also semi-qualified for that. I'll keep you posted on my progress because I'm open to change. It just started on the trip home at Christmas. I know my priorities now, I want more time with my family and for myself. In the long run, I would have to make this decision anyways so way not make it know when Mr. Learning's company will pay for it?

The holidays flew past. It didn't feel like Christmas. Maybe it was just our general tiredness or just being 1st time parents but we both have been in this fog and we are ready to bust out of it. So we are gearing up for making some choices in the nutrition department. Hubman had a really good video on 23.5 hours. If you have the time, check it out because it's all about the importance of exercise. Mr. Learning got his bike ready in the basement to do some indoor biking at night and I'm gearing back to go to the gym. It's been a long time and I need to do it in the morning. Evenings don't work because I want to be home and I see friends there that want to chat. I don't want to be rude but when I go to the gym, I want to work out and come home. I'm a serious workout person so I'm in my own zone. We also bought one of those vitamix machines at Costco this weekend. I am one of those people who never gets enough vegetables or fruits within my diet. I've ate more vegetables & fruits in the past few days than I have in two weeks. Though, of course within moderation. I've also been able to track all my points today. This is something that I have not been able to do in a long time because I've been lazy, not accountable, and purely unmotivated in my life. Essentially, I've been hiding and I'm sick of it. I want to come out and play...and be my improved new self because I like myself better now. The weight kept me safe for a while because I've been overwhelmed with all of the change. Now it's about embracing and taking a leap of faith in myself again.

Swinger: A trend I have been noticing lately in my area. WTF is up with people who swing as a couple but they are not married together, and their spouses don't know? I just don't get this. There's been about 3 new profiles on the site noting this. I just don't get this. It just screams drama.

I came across one blog before noting that the people were not going to be policing this but if they knew ahead of time, they would not engage in swinging with the people. I guess if I was at a club, I would assume they would be together. I normally would not ask this nor would Mr. Learning so I would just assume they were together. If we did find out during conversation that they were not a couple, I would say "thanks but no thanks".

We're ready....

2011-12-26T05:39:00.000-08:00

Vanilla: Life has had it's personal mini challenges lately. It's not the current issues but it's the stuff on the horizons. Stemming from my father's health issues, to Mr. Learnings job, is where I have been struggling. Coming home last night and snuggling in bed, we have been discussing our future path. Changes are coming and the can be well worth it and rewarding. In reality, I have been quite stagnant. I cannot control if my dad has Parkinson's or not but I can control how I live in the here in now with him. I need to stop worrying about losing him for if that is my focus now, I've lost him. I can't be resistant to change or I will never grow. And growing is what makes someone beautiful, doesn't? Staying the same is boring. Imagine if I never changed, where would I be? what risks would I have not have taken? Would I have ever dared to try to be a swinger? or would I have kept it safe and went with the norm.

I haven't made any stupid decisions in life so far. I've tried to do everything that I wanted to in life with no regrets. I've learned from my mistakes and kept on growing. It feels like the past year and a half, I've played it safe. I don't know if it was because we had baby learning but all of the sudden life got complicated and I yearn for security. Yet, I also want change. While snuggling in bed the other night, I started browsing the net for jobs in Mr. Learnings new area for his job. There's a great leadership role in which I am very much qualified for. Yes, I would have to take a pay cut but the title would be worth it. Plus to take advantage of Mr. Learnings relocation program would be amazing. I could work in a city that I would live in without the hour commute. We would have family and friends near us. Life could be better and less complicated. I revamped my resume and it looks awesome. Mr. Learnings dad came up and they helped me work on a killer cover letter. Now I just have to mail it out. Send me good vibes because this change could be positive.

Swinger: I'm excited to hear all the plans that you lucky folks have on New Years. That is so awesome so I am vicariously living through you all. Nothing is happening on the swinger front. I'm still a chunky monkey with no drive to change right now. I'm just so tired all the time. Baby learning has at least 7 teeth popping up right now so I'm still in my laziness mode. I want to start being healthier but I'm so not in the zone. Just in the self preservation mode. So keep it sexy for me :)

Ah, future worries are sucking me dry....

2011-12-18T05:16:00.000-08:00

Vanilla: We celebrated Christmas with my family this weekend. I love being with them because we are about the coming together, not just the presents. We have a nice meal, open gives, and chat. Of course the nephews were dying to open their gifts. At one point when my mom mentioned opening presents both of them dived bombed the bags to open one only to find out they were not supposed to created some laughs.

My sister and brother in law laid into me about the future. There is no doubt that this coming year is going to be very challenging for me personally because we have to make some decisions about life. We have the whole year to decide if we are going to take the relocation package or not. I hate change with a passion. The current struggle with the job has been tackling me with mild anxiety. I know where my resistance comes from. My father and mother were both blue collar. My dad worked the line at an assembly company after choosing to get out of management at small shops. My mom worked the line when I was younger and she transitioned to office based work in the early 80s. I spent the majority of my childhood in the unemployment lines here in Michigan. I remember grabbing a toy and chatting it up with the people in line. Back then, there was no such thing as MARVIN (you call into the line noting that your were looking for work). You simply had to stand in a line to talk to others. My parents instilled in me that a job was a job and you don't leave a good job ever. Especially in a bad economy. I don't want to lose what I have. Right now, I have an excellent job. I love what I do, I love my supervisor, I love my co-workers, I love my company, and I love my benefits. The cons are, I will never be a boss because my personality is too strong, I will not grow too much, I have a long ass commute, and I've hit the glass ceiling in pay. My husband on the other hand hates his job. He loathes every inch of his job. In fact, he has changed his career focus twice in life and it brings him no passion. Though, he has the opportunity to go back to school with him in a field that better matches his personality. The company will pay for him. He just needs to apply for school, yet there is no movement in that area. I'm still on the fence with the whole relocation thing. I can see where it would be nice to have 10 hours extra each week, a better house, and live in a better school district. Though I am afraid about a $20K pay cut, relocating near my inlaws where they would probably be up our asses, and starting a new job where I have to prove myself again.

So I am struggling here. I've been struggling with this unknown for a few months but that icky feeling is hitting me and we will have to deal with it soon. Sucks. That's what I am wrestling with.

Swinger: Humm....nothing to report :) It's the holidays and everyone is doing their thing. We did get some hits on our profile but unfortunately, we have no time to hang out with anyone. Maybe if it was spring but alias, the child care is going down to Florida with the rest of the snow birds. Which means no date nights for a very long time. That's unless we hook up with Mr. Learning's sister and allow her to take care of baby learning for the night. Though, I am not a huge fan of winter travel here in Michigan. So I think we are going to stay put and do nothing for a few months.

Swinging is hard with kids. You all who are able to do it amaze me. It seems like careful coordinating has to happen in order to get things done. I have to admit, I am sad about not having any date nights with Mr. Learning. Maybe we need to get creative and have date days :) humm....that is an idea.

Hello :)

2011-12-14T18:28:00.001-08:00

Hang ups?

2011-12-13T10:36:00.000-08:00

Vanilla: things are going okay. It's a frenzy emotional time at work right now so I am trying to keep afloat. Can't wait until my vacation. I decides not to work the week between Christmas and New Years to repair my mental health. Mr. Learning and I are also going to look at that time by gathering more information on becoming vegetarians for about 6 months. He is struggling with borderline diabetes and hyperglycemia so I've been concerned. He really hasn't made any changes in his diet lately nor have I so we need to plot a new course because Jenny Craig is awesome but we are not losing and paying a fortunate. It's us, not them. They have a great solid program but we are not going anywhere weight wise due to our choices. It needs to change.

I have been putting a lot of stress on myself with this whole job situation and Mr. Learning. It's amazing how one can really stress out about the future. Instead of staying frazzled, I'm going to see where life takes us. We just need to start to get into saving mode. If a move happens, it happens. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't.

I was so stressed last week that it wasn't even funny. Mr. Learning and I went out on a date Friday afternoon. It was nice. When I got home I told him "okay we are going to have some fun" and we did. It was good to reconnect in a sexual sense. It's been a while where it was spur of the moment so it was amazing.

I guess the running theme I'm dealing with right now is just letting life happen. I'm a control freak and worry wart so letting the "universe" take care of me can sometimes get rough but I feel so much better this week. It's amazing.

Swinger: There's a new club in Ft. Wayne. The regulars went there last weekend and it's top notch. This would be an awesome goal to stride for in the new year to attend. It probably wouldn't happen until June but it would be some motivation to get back to the gym.

Mr. Learning and I were chatting about swinging on Sunday. We discussed what we missed and he couldn't come up with anything. I guess this is good but in a way, it is bad. I miss that connection we have with each other when we swing...watch him, the sounds, and feelings. He noted that the only time he thought it was off the hook swinging was the "chair incident". Beyond that, nothing. Which made me kind of sad. I started to think maybe I didn't do my job as his wife to make sure he had a good time, getting his needs met, or checking in with him. He said sometimes swinging is better in fantasy than reality and it seems like some of the stuff we did was much better in fantasy. Granted we didn't always have the best connections with others and hell, we put ourselves into some stupid positions at times with not communicating our limits to others. He didn't really elaborate more why things are better in fantasy and that kind of bothered me. I told him that but he is a man of few words at times. I sometimes wonder if it is our personal hang ups on ourselves. Does it boil down to both of our self esteem issues in the long run? Maybe we could have had more fun instead of our hang ups getting the best out of us? This is something we need to explore and address while we are out of the scene. If we do hit the scene, I don't want our past mistakes continuing to haunt us.

In a way, I wished we had these awesome swinger memories but what really stands out is the awkwardness. Does it get any easier?

It's amazing when you get the energy again!

2011-12-05T17:44:00.001-08:00

Vanilla: Hello energy, I have missed you :) I am happy that you are back in my life again. It's amazing what I have been doing the past few days. We have been kicking butt in the Learning household. We are in a massive de-cluttering effort here in the home. We essentially are attempting to get all of the crap out of the home. I am building a huge collection for the Salvation Army in my foyer. By the time I am done, I hope to have that space packed! I'm going through this huge phase right now that I want the crap out of my life. I want things more orderly because I am tired of the disarray within my household. It's not like we are dirty but we have too much stuff in my small home so it's time to do away with stuff. I can even tell that it's effecting my mood for the better. I am done with being a cluttered person.

Baby Learning is back on a regular sleeping schedule. It feels terrific to get at least 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep. My aphasia is not happening as much and my words are coming back to me. Its a scary thing when things slip out of your mouth and it's not the right word. The more it happened, the more nervous I got. My fog feels like it is lifting so I will enjoy this time in my life.

It don't know if things are getting easier but I am managing better with my life. It's been a real challenge the last year because things have seemed so out of control. What I appreciate most right now is getting a better flow. Winter always tends to go better for us because we shut down and do nothing. Both sets of parents are leaving for the south within the next month so life will even get quieter. I think that is a good thing for us because it seems like the rest of the year we are run run run. Winter is a time for us that things just slow up and we get to enjoy life....and hibernate!

Swinger: Mrs. Regular was walking around the mall and little did she see Mr. Geeky with another woman. She luckily avoided eye contact and pretended not to see him because she was with a girlfriend. Humm, amazing how people move on so quickly. Mrs. Geeky just left on labor day to be with the man she was cheating with emotionally for 10 years and now he's with another lady, holding hands, etc. Damn, it's amazing how people in this lifestyle tend to make it or break it. I tend to know more couples who didn't make it over couples who make it. I also generally find that us bloggers tend to make it. Maybe we are smarter, more in tune with our partners...or maybe we are just lucky so folks, keep up the good work and be in the lifestyle for the right reason. Get into it because you are into this lifestyle, stay out of the lifestyle if you are trying to "fix" your marriage because only counseling and motivation can do that.

Damn, it's been a month!

2011-11-28T17:34:00.001-08:00

Vanilla: When it gets quiet for me, it usually means that life because a tad challenging. Work has been kicking my ass and I think I am experiencing a full moon month. People have been horrible with me lately and I'm having to be a very gentle but confrontational person. This does not jive well with me. I am the type of person that people in general will drain my emotional battery so when I come home, I'm in such a huge self preservation mode. When this happens, I just shut down, I am quiet, and I totally withdraw in my own world. I don't even share with Mr. Learning about my day, I'm just in my shell, managing alone not wanting to share about the shit around me. I think I do this because I want to leave work at work and sometimes, I just want to forget my day. Lately, I have been doing a lot of forgetting my days. I love what I do but at this time of the year, everything tends to cycle to the negative. I'm trying to not be one of those people.

I am also struggling with some massive sleep depravation. Sometimes I feel like the universe is not allowing me to sleep. If it's not baby learning, it's Mr. Learning, if its not him, its our cats, if it's not our cats, it's an alarm that I have never heard going off at 3:00 in the morning. So I have been begging the universe to please be kind and allow me to catch up on some sleep. Where it is really showing it's effects, is on my job. I have to be mentally on my game 110% of the time. Lately, I've been so tired that I'm experiencing some aphasia. Which is not fun because I look like a fool but luckily people are understanding.

The weight is not coming off. It's almost like I am putting that on the back burner until the sleep returns. The lack of sleep equals no working out, which means no weight loss so I am in this horrible cycle. I'm hoping that it will change before January. I just lack energy...I know working out can only help me for the better but I am not there mentally. I'm floating right now but at least it's mindful floating. Floating just to survive but I want more than survival but that's where I am at right now.

I have several coworkers who just have kids who are doing so much better than I am. It's like I am wondering where I am going wrong? Though, I have to say, I have the most incredible child ever. He is wonderful. Happy as a clam the majority of time. Mr. Learning is a massive help. We are a great team and we are working together. I am so thankful for that.Bah...enough of the poor me, but this is where I am at today. Mindful of where I am currently and hopeful that sleep will not continue to evade me. The world is better for me when I have some REM sleep :)

Swinger: Nothing too much going on this past month at all. We've stepped back and pulled the profile again to reflect that we are not open to meeting others. We were supposed to meet Mr. Ray (the ones we met at Cherry Lane Nudist Resort) while we were visiting Mr. Learning's sister but after a 2 hour sleep night, we had to cancel. I was really disappointed because I enjoyed Mr. Ray greatly and I was curious to see if the chemistry was still there. We have a raincheck for a beer so hopefully we can cash in on that in the coming months. I wish we had some local clubs that we could hit instead of parties but the only one we have near to us is where swingers go to die, so that is out. In the Detroit area, there are a few clubs so I'm curious about those but we would have to arrange child care with Mr. Learnings sister so that is out for a while. Which is good because we are no where near being swingworthy people right now. Got to get that groove back on.

We spent the night at the regulars. It was great to see them as usual. They are good people and their friendship is worth their weight in gold. It's so nice to have such amazing people in our life from swinging. There are good people out there. You just need to find them so folks, don't give up!

Thanks for listening and I promise not to stay away like this. It makes me sad because I miss some of you. Great days are coming our way which will only make our future better.

I hate reading into things...

2011-10-25T18:27:00.000-07:00

Vanilla stuff: I got a message from my sister on facebook this morning to call her when I get the chance. This is usually not a good sign because that isn't her style to really call me or make too much contact with me. She hates talking on the phone so our conversations usually last about 8 minutes. When she asks me to call, it is usually serious. I gave her a call and she noted that she is worried about our dad. He is 76 right now and has generally been in great health. He did have a bout with prostate cancer but he beat it. We had no idea he was fighting the cancer until he was halfway through treatment. His doctor urged him to tell us and luckily he listened. My parents are very private individuals and don't really share. In the past 6 months, my sister and I have been noticing little things like he is not allowed to drive anymore, he's speech is sometimes stammering, has trouble with coming up with names, words, he has had a slight shake with his hands for about 4 years, my mom is filling in the gaps, and the erratic behavior where he has been agitated a lot, and my parents have been fighting. He refers to my child as baby and their new dog as doggie. My sister noted that he called her and he was just struggling. She was worried and doesn't know what we should do. Do we ask the question is something going on? My dad has always struggled with names. He calls me my sisters name and vice versa. He knows what day it is, what year, who is the president so he is orientated x3 but it's the little things. I was concerned so I got him on the phone and he noted that he stayed home from cards today. He did have a ton of umms and ahs. He also could not tell me what 75% of 10,000 is. He was a math wiz. Numbers have never escaped him. I don't know what to do and this sucks. Maybe it could be nothing but I think there is something there and we want to convey it's okay to let us know. We need to support my mom and dad if there is something going on. They don't need to be alone.

Swinger stuff: Okay the meet and greet was interesting. The cool thing about it was that two of our favorite couples were there. We got to introduce them to each other and they both chatted it up. On the downside, I have to confess that we did not talk to no one new. There is several things that I get put off about the lifestyle. I detest the heavy drinking. It's okay to have a few drinks but the amount of alcohol that flows can floor you. I detest that some swingers are inappropriate. For instance, dear creepy man, do not grab the ass of the vanilla waitress. You give us swingers a bad name. She was vanilla because I asked if that bugged her when creepy guys grab her butt and she noted that it did. She told him to keep his hands off. I am also saddened by the lack of just regular people at these things. Okay, we are a nice middle class couple. The majority of these people were looking like the bad Walmart pictures that float around the net. It's like you should go to these things as if you are dressed to impress. I saw Velcro shoes and clothing that was tattered and torn. Everyone can afford to hit up Goodwill for a cute outfit. I know I do :) So it was good to get out, socialize with our friends, but did we meet any new people....no. I know there are some normal people out there....I just know there is. Finding them is the tough thing!

I avoided public speaking in college for...

2011-10-21T20:31:00.000-07:00

I came across this tonight. Totally forgot about this until now but in undergrad, I avoided 3 classes until my last semester. Chemistry, English Writing, and Public Speaking. Instead of taking the typical speech class, I took a drama class. I figured it would be easier, which it was. I had to recite this poem by E.E. Cummings and act it out. When I went to act it out, it was kind of cute when I got to the electric fur part...tehehe....I was so vanilla back then...but I really am pretty vanilla now. Enjoy!

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh … And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new

—e.e. cummings

Today went from being a crappy day to a...

2011-10-18T18:45:00.000-07:00

I hate crappy work days. I have a group of women who are out to get me, I think. They are totally talking crap about me behind my back. They are on a different unit than myself. The thing is that I have a very strong personality. I am really passionate about what I do and it shows. I hate laziness and people dropping the ball. I don't put up with the bull crap either. These women drop all the time. A month or two ago, they dropped the ball so bad that it could have been disastrous. I called them out, let my boss know, and they had some meetings. I thought things were solved until this one individual keeps on complaining about me to others. The others are my friends so they let me know. Finally today, I heard she was gunning for me this morning. She was complaining that I was setting things so I would not be there. Funny thing is that I am not in charge of that. Then they started to discuss how I never work late because I have to pick up my son. I don't even pick up my son, 90% of the time so that is not their business. I thought, enough is enough. I told my boss that if she doesn't do something about this "gossip" I'm going to blow and because this is ridiculous because I am doing my job. I was in a mood. I hate that feeling that there's a target on my back. Hopefully, things will get addressed but I so wanted to go up to the woman and go "knock it off". Then of course that would be creating a hostile work environment, right? Luckily, I can home, got a hug from my hubby, and life got better.

The upswing of my day was thatVeronica's blog is back! Yippy! Missed her greatly and longed for her posts. Then a huge thank you toWalk and Rollwho stopped by to say "hi" and I am hooked. Woot Woot! It's making my little online community larger. What I loved about Walkand Roll is that they have uploaded video onto their site to discuss their experience at a club in one post. I loved watching their interaction with each other, so positive. This is what the lifestyle is all about. There's some great people out there :)

Okay, can I say that I'm totally...

2011-10-16T19:05:00.001-07:00

Okay, I'm totally excited to hit the meet and greet this weekend. I just can't wait to dress up in my dress that came and it's stunning. It's very figure flattering on me. Plus I think I have a new favorite clothes store. It's nice to see that the models are real women who have curves and amazing looking breasts.

I go into every party with a goal in mind for myself and what I want to strengthen. I would really like to work on my social skills. My goal is to chat with as many people as possible and just be open. John, you gave me some good advice a month ago, I'm going to focus on the person I am speaking to. Find out about them and let the other people be the center of the conversation and occasionally weave bits about myself and Mr. Learning in. Sometimes this is my biggest fault in chatting with others is that I will engage but maybe not have the other person be the central character. It can only go well. Feel free to give me any other tips because I'm open.

Life is going well. We are entering our hibernation mode here. The leaves are turning, the fall is here, and winter is coming. In the winter we travel less and hang close to home. I have to tell you that it feels wonderful to spend so much time at home. Since going into "hibernation" I'm really appreciating it. I love my house and just sitting back and chilling out. It's an amazing feeling. This weekend we did some home projects,played with baby Learning a ton, had family visit, and the regulars popped in for a visit. Love it! As for the relocation, we still are on the fence. It's a hard decision but we are talking about many possibilities and they are all good. We just need to see where things end up on Mr. Learnings end.

I think the best thing is that I feel normal again. It's like "Hello Mrs. Learning, nice to have you back". It's nice to find the old yet improved me. I'm just living in the moment right now and I hope it continues.

2011-10-13T17:49:00.000-07:00

I've honestly been trying to post over a week now but I honestly did not know what to say except that I've been doing well, very well. My self esteem is getting better, which awesome. I am getting to my normal. I have to admit that I did try the anti-deppressant for a few weeks but after some wacky side effects, I decided against it. Looking back, I don't think I was too depressed but I was extremely overtired. We were not sleeping a bit, which was not good. Baby learning is back on track and sleeping as sound as sound as could be.

As for swinging. It is always going to be there. We are going to a meet and greet event next weekend. We are going to be our friends "wingmen" because they have been dying to check out the venue. We'll see how it goes. I'm dressing up and I can't wait. Here's the cool outfit that I'm going to wear...so excited to just dress up.

Lots of stuff is swirling in my head this week. Mr. Learning found out that his office is officially closing in one year and two months. We are being offered a relocation package to his new office which is an hour away. We have a couple of choices, one is to take the package, two is to do the commute, three is for him to take the job and me to give up my job. The cons, is that I love my job, get paid very well in my field, and I am comfortable. The pro is that we offer my son the gift of our time. Don't know what to do but yet I do. Scared, hate change, but sometimes risks are worth taking, aren't they?

So if you found me...

2011-09-30T21:18:00.000-07:00

Just putting this out there because a lifestyle friend popped up on my Twitter account. I was shocked and thought fuck. So if you know me in real life, just don't tell me. Humm, damn twitter. So be understanding my friend :) and don't mention a thing as I am greatly embarrassed. Let me have my little space, okay and just pretend that the site does not exist.

Never thought about the adult stash but...

2011-09-24T17:31:00.001-07:00

Okay, when baby learning had to go to the hospital this week for his emergency procedure, my husband just left the house and went. Which everyone would do but when you just leave your home, what do you all do with your stash. We have never had anything happen like this before but we usually have our spot which is in the closet or in the bed stand. We had a couple of DVD's of porn out and I know my vibrator was able to be seen because it was in it's usual spot. Without knowing, the inlaws came up the night that baby learning had to stay in overnight. I came home and there was my inlaws vehicle in my drive way. I was like "what the fuck?!?!?" I know they were trying to be helpful and they were worried but then the invasion of privacy made me think damn them. I do feel kind of violated about that. Funny thing that if it was my parents, I would have been okay with it. They watch porn all the time. They are totally horn dogs. Mr. Learning's parents, well, if they have sex, it would be once in a blue moon. I swear they have no chemistry together. They love each other but do they have that sexual energy, nope. I think I need to remove their key priveleges.

Oh, what an adventure...

2011-09-21T13:52:00.000-07:00

Vanilla life has been interesting this week. We made it through unscathed and being thankful. Baby learning had a medical issue that came up all of a sudden and it scared the crap out of me. Funny thing is that when it happened, I had a feeling that it was going to happen. You get that something is not right and then it turned out to be what I thought it was. Sometimes I hate my intuition about things but at least I use it for my own good. Luckily, I went with my gut and I was right. We made the right choice to get him in. We are now resting comfortably at home and thankful that he doesn't need surgery but seeing your child sick is the worst feeling in the world. I don't know how parents of chronically ill children can do it. We saw a lot of cancer patient children today and other various disorders so I was thankful for baby learnings health. I love that little guy so much. He was such a trooper even though he was so sick. Sometimes it takes a crisis for me to appreciate the little things in life.

An update on the party. I heard from our friends and they were kosher with us leaving early. They noted that they wished we would have stayed. So John, you were right, I was wrong.

I got emotionally ready for the party but it looks...

2011-09-17T03:17:00.000-07:00

Thanks friends for the tips. I got emotionally ready for the party where I was able to work on the insecurities that I have and looking forward to some adult time for only Mr. Learning to get sick, coughing, etc. So we will not be going tonight. We'll go and stop at the friends house for a bit but that's it. Funny how life works out. You get all nervous for nothing.

Good thing is that we have had some decent discussions about swinging lately. When we eventually get back in, we are going to have to be the type of swinger that just goes in, has a blast, and then if something happens, something happens. I can't go through this long "dating" like process where we get to know the people. The said thing in some cases, the more we get to know people the more dysfunctional they become to us. Regulars and the DJ's are all good, nothing wrong with them marriage wise at all (or anything else in our opinion) but the rest of the people, there's so issues. If you just go in for sex on some manner, we just enjoy ourselves and that's it. I have to say one of the hottest swinging times is when we picked up the Dayton couple. We got some time to work on this but I know our former swinging style is out the window.

Bahbahahahahaha....

2011-09-14T18:30:00.000-07:00

Can you see that i'm totally nerved up about Saturday. Got any tips on how to get a great smile on, feel good about yourself, and not feel like a total freak in front of your friends, friends?

I wish I could access my "go in and just don't give a fuck" but I do. I do care about how I am judged. That's what I sometimes hate about the lifestyle and I'm vulnerable right now. Besides doing the internal chant of "I can do this" "I can do this" "I can do this" when I don't feel like I can. When I feel overwhelmed in a new situation, I'm quiet, pull back, and watch. Sometimes that gives a bad impression and that is not what I want to do.

In one week we are going to a house party...

2011-09-10T17:23:00.000-07:00

In one week we are going to a house party. We haven't been to one in over two years and it will be the first that our friends are hosting. We are not going to do anything anyways but I'm nervous to be in such a small environment with some swingers especially when I don't fit the mold. I started thinking today maybe we just need to skip, I'm scared. This is almost a worse feeling than the first party we have been to because my confidence that I once had is at a bare minimum now compared to what it once was.

It's not my objective to swing until I feel better about myself and I feel reconnected with Mr. Learning. Finding a good flow for sex is difficult after having a baby and the sex life is at a low right now. Which is such a shift from having a lot of good sex to virtually nothing. When I was pregnant I think we only had sex around 5 times the whole time. What is going on now is that essentially, we run ourself ragged during the day only not to connect when we can because the lack of energy or emotional drain from our jobs. In the morning, would be great but baby learning can get up any time between 4 and 8. Plus, I feel I used to initiate at least 75% of the time where now I am not. We both have chatted about increasing the frequency but nothing has changed lately. So thrusting ourselves back into the lifestyle wouldn't necessarily be the smartest thing because we are off right now. I feel we both are not too sexual right now in fact I sometimes feel asexual. I know things will get better but it's frustrating right now.

Getting back to the party...so I figure the plan is to be upfront with our friends. Let them know that we will only hang for a few hours before stuff gets started and then leave accordingly. I almost feel stupid for going and question in a way why but maybe this will be good for us in some way. Hopefully this will not leave people with a bad impression on us. I can only hope they will understand and if not...well their loss when we are back online.

Dear swingers who are in the lifestyle for the wrong...

2011-09-07T17:35:00.000-07:00

Dear swingers who are in the lifestyle for the wrong reason. Get the fuck out now and get into counseling! You make us loving couples who are in the lifestyle for the pure enjoyment of watching our spouses fuck other people (soft or full) look bad. Thank you, Mrs. Learning

Okay, couldn't help but not post that. Every time I hear about a couple in the lifestyle that break up for cheating, it makes me sick. At work today, I got a phone call from a number. I didn't recognize it but after I got out of work, I called the number back. I said "Hi this is Mrs. Learning, who is this?" the male said "Hi, it's Mr. Geeky" then he rambled no stop where at first I could not understand him. He then began to slow down and I found out that Mrs. Geeky has been emotionally cheating on him with a guy they were with over 10 years ago. She is leaving Mr. Geeky, moving out, and meeting this man down south. Holy freaking A! Can we say clusterfuck? I am so glad we stayed away from them. We knew something wasn't right. I guess our spidey sense is getting better. There are functional swingers out there, right?

2011-09-05T12:00:00.000-07:00

I would first like to thank Hubman for the shout out on his blog. Thanks a bundle :) The blogs that I follow mean a ton to me because it makes me feel less lost in the lifestyle.

Things are going good. I think I finally got a flow going now and feel better, less overwhelmed. Baby learning has been very kind lately allowing us to sleep the majority of the time. His first tooth came in and it's like "oh thank you! " this whole teething process is not fun but I'm glad to see that we are on our way with it. He's getting to that fun age. Six months is amazing and he is so interactive right now. I just love him and he's a ton of fun. Watching him interact with the environment is enough to bring a smile to your face. He's a gorgeous baby and his smile is infectious.

On the lifestyle front, I've noted on our profile that we are semi-retired. We'll be able to hit a few parties throughout the year but going out to meet others is essential dead until we get to a proper place. Which I'm okay with. I figure if we can hit a party at least four times a year, I would be satisfied. The regulars are throwing a private party in two weeks but I'm apprehensive to go. After checking out their certs from their friends, I can honestly say that we are no not up to the mustard on that group. Their profiles look amazing. I'm sure they are totally nice people but to tell you the truth, I don't want my self esteem to take a hit so I think we are going to steer clear. I'm still not confident enough to swing. The weight is slowly coming off but my workouts have been lacking because I lost my motivation. It's funny when I thought that we were not going to swing for a while, the workouts decreased completely. I guess I can honestly say that working out was a motivator to swing. I will plan on hitting the gym tomorrow. I do miss it and regardless if we are swinging or not, my ass needs to work out.

On other lifestyle news, the geeky couple is on a break. I wondered what the heck happened with them. I sent her a nice email but I have yet to hear back from her. I really liked her so hopefully she is okay. Him on the other hand, well, it would have been nice if he was just not too eager trying to sell himself. I guess I could see that coming kind of. There's nothing like a couple who hits it hard without some balance. Its shame when that happens.

Quiet...

2011-08-17T17:50:00.000-07:00

I've been quietly trying to get back on track. I've had a great two weeks but I decided for my sanity for a bit that maybe I need to explore some medication therapy. I have never been on any psychiatric medications before but I'm know really wondering if I need to open my eyes to them more while I get back on track. That Saturday a few weeks ago essentially scared the shit out of me. I was seriously thinking some crazy shit. I identified it, claimed it, and started to fall back on my skills as a human being. What I did well was I increased my coping skills, got off the 3 cups of coffee, and started to exercise again. When baby learning sleeps, I can hit the gym. When he doesn't sleep well, I chose sleep as broken as that might be. I set up a meeting on Friday to visit my PCP to discuss the baby blues. I can pinpoint it to July but to tell you the truth, I struggled with depression throughout my pregnancy. The focus on weight, not being in control, and not being able to work out which is one of my skills really threw me for a loop. I know that psychiatric medications are not the key to success but I want to get back to my norm were I'm more even as a person. I feel I'm out of sorts a lot. I try to keep it in, work through it, but I'm getting exhausted. My mind is quieter this week with the negative self talk but it's a struggle. I'm so down on myself and that sucks. We'll see what he says and I will keep an open mind because I'm so tired of feeling emotionally flat. I know a lot of it has to do with the lack of sleep. Lets just say that REM is not happening right now. I know it's just a phase but it will be great to get out of this fog soon :)

2011-08-01T19:33:00.000-07:00

I struggled last week, bad, real bad. It must have been a massive funk or baby blues but I can say, I have a new found understanding what depression feels like and it freaking sucks. I was low...Saturday was the worst. I was at an amusement park, surrounded by a ton of people, I was supposed to be having fun, and all I felt was despair and emptiness. I had awful thoughts, pure awful. It freaked me out. I knew it had to stop and that I wasn’t setting myself up for success. I failed to exercise last month, my eating went from balanced to unbalanced, sleep was horrible, I failed to take my vitamins, and I failed to use my skills that I have. I talked to Mr. Learning. I told him I needed some uninterrupted sleep, some positive encouragement, and we need to put the lifestyle on hold until I get my head clear. My head was so foggy from the night before. I need to work on myself with self esteem, I need to become the new me before we hit the lifestyle again. The talk with the regulars really spurred me into a tizzy. Not in a bad way but in a way that points out that we need some direction with everything. We’re spinning around looking for some direction...but hopefully in a good direction...on on-track direction.

2011-07-30T04:01:00.000-07:00

I’m struggling folks...I am. I’m so very tired of this negative self talk that I have been giving myself swinger wise. I want to leave all this shit I have been saying to myself in July so I can proceed to a happy August. It’s been a hard month for me both vanilla and swinger wise. I knew it was going to be difficult but I feel so unbalanced right now swinger wise. In the vanilla world I am good, no great at what I do. I find myself cute, full of positive energy, etc. but lately I’m feeling drained because I have this gapping whole in myself that I can’t plug up. It’s not about the weight but it’s about being comfortable in my own skin again when it comes to swinging? Can I look at ourselves as we have something to offer other couples?

Last night the regulars were over and I was flat out with them on how I think we (Mr. Learning and I) are not fuck worthy, how we are boring, how I think that they are slumming because we are not good enough. Boo! WTF am I doing? Who would want to fuck us if I’m pulling this shit?

I need to stop and I want to do it now. This has got to change because I am exhausted by hearing my negative swinger thoughts in my head.

2011-07-26T19:20:00.000-07:00

Rough day :( Baby learning came down with yet another ear infections so it’s been difficult. Poor little guy is in pain and he has difficulty eating so he is not a happy baby. We were supposed to travel to KY for a family party this week but with his ear situation, we decided not to go. It would have been awful for him to sit in a car seat for over 20 hours during a 4 day period. My folks were not to happy about this. I love my parents but sometimes their behavior challenges me. They don’t know how to use their words to say “I am sad about this” “That makes me upset”, etc. Both of them came from similar backgrounds where their opinions did not matter so I highly doubt if they now how to discussion disappointments in life. Which I understand but it’s difficult when it does happen because I will get a negative verbal discussion from them.

So today, I got a major tongue lashing for 20 minutes. It stemmed from me noting “we are not able to come”. At first my dad was kosher with it but then my parents called me back to berate me. I was told that I was not putting my child first because we left him with his grandparents this past weekend. We make no family time for him because he is in daycare all week and it’s our responsibility to be with our son since we work so much. We probably made him sick because we go all the time. We need to grow up and stop going to beer fests. We took my son to the zoo when we should of been home....and other random put downs. I did a great job of standing up for myself. Yes, we are extremely social but my son goes to sleep every night at 7:15. There’s been only two days that he did not do this in the past month. My son did not go to a babysitter, but he went to his other grandparents so it was okay. I noted to my mom that I would love to give her and my dad the opportunity to spend time with my son overnight so her noting about going to the other grandparents was not good because won’t they want to do that? It just saddens me to no end that they just jumped all over me. I am sad that I cannot attend the party. I highly doubt if I will get to see some of the people going ever again. This makes me so sad. I just don’t understand why they needed to pour more salt on my wounds. I was already torn up as it is and to have this happen to me made me so physically ill with anxiety and self doubt.

I hate disappointing people...it’s difficult for me. When you have a child, you put their needs first. Initially I thought I would just go alone but as I thought about it more and more, I could not do that. I would be more miserable without them. I cannot leave Mr. Learning alone with him because tending to a sick child is hard. He is up several times a night and that can get tiring. Though having a child is good because I am beginning to set major limits with others. Possibly that is a good change...

2011-07-24T18:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, party details!!!! It was fun as fun could be. Cooler loaded with some amazing microbrewery beer, party dress was awesome, Mr. Learning looked hot as hot could be, and we were out the door. There was about 115 couples signed up for the event and we knew some people (besides geeky couple) that were going to be there. We walked up to check in and went into the dance room. The tables were packed, alcohol was flowing all over, and we settled in with our cooler bag. Said our hellos to the DJs. We hit the dance floor for a while then took a break. We then laid eyes on our favorite Sexy Grandmother. She is striking, cute as hell, and energy of a teen. We adore her! We met her and her hubby 2 years ago at our first party. We went to their room for drinks with the regulars. We had just met the regulars and we were avoiding going back to their room because we didn't want to fuck them. Funny, huh? Anyways, we caught up with her and it was great. This was their first party back since we last saw them in October. They took some time off. Then the Geeky couple found us so we chatted. Still like her but he's still a no. Mrs. DJ asked if we needed saving and I said no because I wanted to handle it. I did it well, I told them that we are off the table and not swinging anytime soon so they needed to get out there and meet a ton of others. They were doing well because several women were coming up to them and engaging them while talking to us. They finally get scooting to find others. We danced some more and viewed some great stuff like topless women who were stunning and watching others hook up. Mr. Learning and I watched my Nemesis try to stir up so interest to only fail. I hate this woman with a passion. Mr. Learning had some good descriptions of her during this time and I was dying of laughter. Party ended, we watched the others spill out to go to the playrooms. We sat there and shot the shit with the hottie grandmother, her hubby, and sultry chic. Back story on sultry chic that used to run a club that we used to attend here in town. It was an amazing interchange of us all. It was pure comedy all the way. We watched hottie grandmother get shown where her squirtting spot was, we talked about the lifestyle and how we all fit at different places, and how that's okay. To tell you the truth, we needed this discussion with some fellow lifestylers. We are not alone, there are others like us out there....trying to figure things out. We did figure things out last night, where we are right now. We coined it as lifestyle open. We love hanging out with lifestyle people. People in the lifestyle are richer in personality than the regular vanilla people. We love the energy it brings to ourselves and others. Though we are more voyeurs, if the opportunity presents itself we will swing but we don't need to just find anyone. Our group all agreed that maybe it's just easier to also find a random couple to fuck instead of our lifestyle friends. We love the DJs, regulars, and the chemistry's but are we going to fuck them. Probably not as we came to that conclusion.

So did we find a couple to fuck? Hell no but did we find some clarity? Oh yeah and a potential date with Hottie Grandmother. The night was amazing and it's what I needed.

2011-07-21T18:25:00.000-07:00

I was just a tad naughty the other day...just a tad. When Mr. DJ was shadowing me, I kissed him and damn I got turned on. I know, not over the top hot, but for me, it was awesome. He's so easy going on the eyes and his personality is terrific. Woot woot!

To go or not to go...that is the question? We are actually thinking about going to the party now. Mrs. DJ found out that we were not going to go. Apparently, the geeky couple sent them an email introducing themselves as friends as ours and noted to them that we were not going. Mrs. DJ texted me and we eventually ended up calling each other. She put me in my place, told me I was being silly, and we should come. She is right. It wouldn't hurt, would it? Geeky couple could be handled like "we are just here to socialize" which we are. Right?!?!? Besides it's Mr. DJs birthday, I'm curious as all hell who the regulars have been fucking because their whole crew minus them are going to be there, and I'm ready to get out and have a rockng time with Mr. Learning.

2011-07-19T10:52:00.000-07:00

Mr. DJ is job shadowing me later today...woot woot for eye candy. It still sucks that I can't fuck him :( but Mr. Learning has a pass to fuck her any day. If I'm going to work with him one day no swinging with him on my end, I can kiss him but that's the extent on my end. Looking forward to spending time with him though. I like the calmness that he brings.

I'm fessing up too...I'm admitting that we are not going to the party for two stupid reasons. The first excuse is the geeky new couple. I was trying to avoid them. I hate letting people down...it's a hard task of saying to others "hey, the chemistry is not there" but the truth is, I didn't like how the hubby failed to acknowledge Mr. Learning. I'm afraid if we went, they would hang on us. I sent them an email noting that I'm struggling body wise (which is the truth) and I'm not ready to swing yet post baby (which is true too). The second stupid excuse is that my self esteem took a massive nose dive...I'm trying to get over my hurdle but the pictures don't lie and if I don't feel the least bit sexy, should I put myself in a swinger environment? Humm...I have until Saturday to make up my mind. Mr. Learning is up for anything but it's scary to put myself back out there 30lbs heavier than I left the lifestyle.

2011-07-17T17:49:00.000-07:00

Is there such a thing as a voyeuristic swinger? Mr. Learning and I had an interesting conversation on the way home the other night from my seminar. I have often felt during our swinging we have had no goals, no direction. Which can mildly be fraustrating to me because I'm such a goal orientated person. Like I wanted to know why the heck do we swing? Mr. Learning has always noted that it's purely social. He loves hanging out with swingers but...he also noted that sometimes it's sad that the end goal is to fuck someone else. This kind of comment has fraustrated me as I have expressed to him that swingers do want to fuck. He's okay with fucking a few but overall, he just doesn't want to fuck just anyone. Which I understand because I too don't want to fuck just anyone either but if it's a purely social outing... I'm semi confused(I told him this). Swinging is about fucking others. We chatted about how it expands our horizons and pushes our limits. Though where I truly struggled is that it's a social outlet. I pointed out that we could be putting energy into other things other than swinging...so always two steps forward, two steps back and fumble fumble fumble!

2011-07-10T19:24:00.000-07:00

We decided to not hit the party in two weeks. We were looking forward to it initially but as it is getting closer the dread came about so we decided to bail on it. Besides, the only reason why we would go is to see the DJs. Plus we didn't let the new geeky couple down yet so in a way, we are avoiding instead of telling them (or I mean him) that we cannot be with them(I mean him). I think it could potentially turn into some clusterfuck and I definetly don't want that our first party back. Plus that party is never a huge ball of fun either. We have been there a few times and we always leave disappointed because it feels like a meat market. Yes, I know we are swingers but I do have some standards. I like to chat with others, engage, flirt, kiss, etc. At this party, everyone is either with the couple who they want to fuck or it's being oggled by the stereotypical swinger type that lack teeth and have a mullet. Now the party that we love that is two hours away is different. We would be there in a heartbeat but there isn't a party for a while. So off to the beerfest we go but I'm looking for sone adult entertainment...there is a party over the boarder. There is also a club plus there are always some strip clubs. Though, that is usually not too good for me because I fall for their stories and get suckered every time to they get me to buy these expensive drinks. That's if Mr. Learning is not over intoxicated....though when he gets a little toasted, he is a ton of fun. The other option is to just come out to the regulars and say "we fully want to fuck you so let's do it!" but I also don't see us being that forward. But I do promise you we will be doing something fun and adult orientated. Now narrowing that down may be difficult ;)

HNT!!!

2011-07-06T18:58:00.000-07:00

2011-07-04T17:43:00.000-07:00

Happy fourth of July! Though its been nothing but one big clusterfuck today. It first started out badly because I'm so drained due to baby learnings ear infection. He hasn't been sleeping or eating like he usually does. Poor little guy. I'm tired, cranky, and irritable just like him! Then my parents arrive at my house, Mr. Learning took baby over to the neighbors to chat, failed to acknowledge my folks which pissed my dad off, and then my dad spoke to him and it didn't sound too nice. My sister and her family broke down on the way to our house and I had to pick them up. I felt so bad for them. So needless to say, the day sucked. It's been one of the worst 4th of July's ever. Just felt totally out of control.

It was a great time with the regulars last but I am painfully aware of how out of swingland we are. I'm so fucking vanilla that it's not even funny. I'm not a kinky woman either. I own 1 vibrator, I have 1 glass toy that I don't even know how to use, some lube, and that's it. Sometimes I just wonder if I'm really cut out for this lifestyle because I'm so boring...

2011-07-03T13:55:00.000-07:00

The regulars are coming for dinner...so maybe just maybe we will have some adult time? Or maybe not but their company is always welcome reguardless if we swing or not. Have I mentioned that it has been over a year since we swinged with them. The last time we did, it was kind of ackward. She did me with a strap on and it wasn't too hot because it just felt kind of weird. Plus it felt like she wasn't into it so that didn't help matters.

Mr. Learning and I had a great talk about swinging last night. He noted that he loves the social aspect of swing but overall the experiences we have had in his opinion have not been mind blowing. There's been two times for him that have been over the top. The one time was with the regulars after a party. They came back and it was hot. We had the fireplace going and it was some of the best oral ever. The second was the Dayton couple that I picked up. Mr. Learning noted to me that he loves the spontaneous sex over the "let's meet and eventually have sex". I noted to him that I always feel like he doesn't know what to do participate wise when we swing. He noted that was true, sometimes he just doesn't know what to do or engage. Humm! He's a fantastic lover and sometimes I wonder if it's his lack of confidence. At least my gut feelings were right. I never want him to feel left out. I'll let you know how well the night pans out :) send us some sex vibes!

2011-07-01T18:07:00.001-07:00

Watching friends break up with kids is not good. Our sons godparents are in a true clusterfuck situation that just makes me want to shake them and go "get it together". They are not married and have two children together. Their first child was conceived after a month of dating. Which is not a good start to a relationship but it is what it is. About a month ago, he told his girlfriend that he couldn't do it anymore. They are going to live in the same house "for the sake of the kids"...we are just waiting for the shit to hit the fan. It's so sad to watch yet we want both of them to be happy. He hasn't been happy, he was beaten like a dog from her verbally. She repeatedly noted to him "if you ever leave me, I will take you for everything you have" sounds like a real incentive to stay, huh? She's great but doesn't know how to trust. If she had trusted him, maybe they wouldn't be in this situation. Who knows but it's so sad to witness them self destruct. I hope they get off this kick of living together for the sake of the kids stuff too. When he brings a chick home, it's not going to go over well. Man I really love my boring life. Luckily I trust and have such an amazing husband.

HNT!

2011-06-30T18:31:00.000-07:00

It's been a long week. I'm exhausted and can't wait until Friday at 5 pm. I think baby learning is teething and he has been a tad cranky this week, which is usually not like him. We don't have anything planned right now but with us, we will find something to do :) Enjoy the three day weekend!

2011-06-29T12:42:00.000-07:00

Humm...so we are firming up on how we swing before we start again. We both talked it over and we decided that we are not going to seek out couples anymore. If we happen to meet others at a party, great but if not, we are not going to be pouring over profiles, meet up for dinner, see if they like us/we like them, etc. because we simply don't have time for that anymore. Our time is limited now and we have to adjust.

We will go full when the right opportunity presents itself. We are not going to agressively seek it. Nor are we going to compromise quality so we are going to be choosey about who we swing with. We have always been like that. We are not the type of couple that just hits any opportunity that lands in the lap...now if it's a good one, we are on it :)

I have to say that I hate letting down others. My personality to please others and not let them down has to stop, especially with swinging. Like the new couple, we won't be able to swing with them so eventually I may need to communicate that. I haven't heard from them so maybe that's a good thing. The situation has also shown me that maybe I am not ready to swing again. I want the confidence to be able to be upfront, honest and feel okay about it. Though that may never come though maybe it can come a bit easier.

2011-06-26T10:31:00.001-07:00

What happens when you like half of a couple more than the other half? We met up with the other couple last night again minus the kids. We were solid feeling about the female half but the male half shot us a mild flag. So I wanted to check things out a tad more. We'll gut was right, he put the nail in his coffin. There's a couple of things that I could not overlook: he engaged me only, he neglected Mr. Learning, he talked over Mr. Learning, his wife , & me, and the ultimate nail....the kissing. To break things down, he focused so much on me that he didn't even take time to learn more about Mr. Learning. In the lifestyle, I enjoy men who not only engage myself but who chat with Mr. Learning and get to know him too. I tend to balance both partners plus my own. For instance, if I kiss her then I kiss him, or coversation, I will get input from all. The kiss, oh the kiss! I'm not an all tongue, I like lips, soft lips with some nibbles. He was like all tongue, eager, over eager. Which correlates to me as a not so good lover...does not take time with his partner. Needless to say, we like her, not him so no fuck time is going to occur. The sad thing is that I really wanted to like them because they reminded me of us. That's okay, it happens. We'll keep on trucking :)

We are going to eventually have to address us being soft swingers. I don't know how much longer we are going to be able to do this for multiple reasons. The curiosity and desire is there with us. I truly loved it when the djs where over and when they left Mr. Learning turned to me and said "okay, I really do want to fuck her". It was so cute. The only thing about being a full is that are you more selective as a full? Like as soft I feel we would be more open to others but it seems like full you are more selective because you are going to fuck them. We were chatting with the regulars yesterday about this and they love being full. They noted that there is a lot less stress, less worry, and they swap but not always go full. I don't know...I just sometimes have those reservations and simple fears of what if...but those fears are usually unfounded.

My speaking at the university went well. Though, I was so very much surprised on how aprehensive the kids were to get a masters degree. I have a worthless undergrad degree so a masters is necessary for more money and being marketable. They just were like "well, I can do this"...and I was thinking "good luck with that. Let me know how well that work for you". I was amazed how much the campus changed in the past 14 years. It's stunning. The new buildings wowed me over. Those kids have it good.

2011-06-16T11:36:00.000-07:00

Oh no HNT today. I'm a tired Mrs. Learning because baby learning is getting into the routine of waking up at 2 am in the morning. I found the cutie this morning with his legs above the mesh bumpers. I have no clue on how he got into that position but he was all smiles when I got into his room. Hmm!!!

For the first fathers day, we are running. I think Mr. Learning would rather be spending time at home but we have to go up north to my folks for the day. His dad is coming in on Saturday and we are taking him to a ball game because his mom is ditching him this week. Believe it or not, she is going to a social convention with her therapist. They are staying in the same hotel room. I guess she had seen her for 10 years and she ended treatment earlier this year. Now they are hanging out on a social basis. I was like WTF? I thought therapists had a code of ethics where you are not supposed to do stuff like that....so his dad jumped at the opportunity to hang out with us. It seems like summer is going to pass us by so quickly. There's never enough time it seems for us. We are always running here and there and everywhere. We should start up some boundaries/family goals for balancing life.

2011-06-15T10:46:00.000-07:00

I was visiting another office today and I was listening in on two of the ladies who were conversing about their significant others. To tell you the truth, it was making me sick to my stomach. The disrespect that they were noting was horrible. "He's lazy" "he needs to get a second job...wait he doesn't even have a job", "he never helps out", etc. What a shame, that possibily their communication and partnership is like that. I feel so fortunate to have such an excellent partner in life. The only two things I would change is his sense of time and driving. He always runs late. Which gives me a ton of anxiety because I need to be on time. He will tell people " we will be there at 12:00" but he'll play around, get side tracked, etc where we will pull in at 1:00 or later. I was taught that it is rude to tell people a time and not be there. The other thing, he drives like hell. He's been fired by two carpoolers due to his complaining/habits. I will hold the Jesus handle for essentially the whole car ride. So if those are the only two things, that's not bad. Now only if I can firm up those behaviors bawah!!!!!

2011-06-13T18:32:00.000-07:00

Today was an awesome day, I did great with work. Did I mention that I do love my job? It is my dream job and what I do can make a difference. I was on it and it was beautiful. Sometimes, I just have to take a step back and go "I rock"! Not many people can say they love their job and still are passionate after so many years. I hope I can continue that passion. There's a new opportunity at work and I'm going to jump on it. I usually would not go after it, due to fear. Now, if I wasn't to get it, well, it's their loss. It will offer me more flexibility with baby learning and when Mr. Learnings job relocates. I told my boss "I really want this opportunity" before I would have waffled. Thank you swinging...now only if I could transfer this confidence back to other areas. Vanilla life, I'm confident, engaging, free spirited, and all that good stuff. In my swing life, I'm unsure, sometimes scared, afraid that I will do something wrong, and all that not so good stuff. Though, what I love in the lifestyle is that I love people and their stories, engage others, learn to be a better lover, watch myself and Mr. Learning grow as a couple, and the excitement of not knowing what the night can bring. What I need to do as Mr. Learning noted "stop thinking and start going with the flow". I'm learning too...one day at a time!

Let me tell you about our date...

2011-06-12T17:04:00.000-07:00

Okay, so we had a vanilla swingers date on Saturday. I loved this profile that I came across and I had to write to the couple. There's a few times that I will do that and this one really stood out because they sounded like they were like us. They had small kids, liked to travel, etc. We set up a date last month and the meeting finally took place yesterday. We all agreed to bring the kids. Their children were 4 and 2....and the kids are as cute as heck. We met them at this restaurant with little baby learning. He was having a rough day due to no naps all day, which is not good. We made it through dinner on small talk. She seemed very nice but shy. He seemed very uninterested. We got to the end of the dinner and baby learning needed to be changed. They offered to take us back to their house so we could change him because the restaurant lack the changing table. We got to their house and they got it situated where we could change baby learning. DH got to check out the basement with the hubby and I chatted with her. From there, the kids played down stairs and we chatted upstairs with the couple while we had baby learning in his rock and play sleeper. After chatting with them, I grew more comfortable with him. He's much quirkier than the other lifestyle guys I have been with but the personality got to show better. I have to say that the lust is not there like I have had with other partners but there's this amazing curiosity that I have with him because I wonder how the heck does he fuck? Like is he a good fuck? It totally got me wondering... I'm completely sold on her, she is cute, nice smile, and great personality. They remind me of us in a way like they present vanilla as hell but I wonder what is under their shell. So the night progressed, great engaging conversations, etc. There was also some nice silence while we were listening to music and it felt comfortable, not awkward. Mild flirtation at the end and I commented how much I enjoyed their company and they can chat to see if they like us. She commented "you are in" and I asked to kiss her, and she said yes, so nice peck on the lips and I did the same with him. Overall, it went good and they have me so curious right now. So that leads us to our next dilemma....Are we ready to hit it again? I hate the word play in the lifestyle. If I could ban any word from the lifestyle, it would be the word play. Excuse my language but I choose to use the word fuck here when it concerns getting with lifestyle couples. I would like to fuck this couple. I would like to fuck her and I sure as all hell would like to see what he could do for me, but I'm a tad apprehensive right now. I'm only 3.5 months post baby. It does seem early because we planned to do nothing until fall. I guess I wasn't expecting this. I also have to say that this was the first time we went on the date that I went in and had a "I don't care if they like me or not attitude because I'm me" and that felt terrific. I didn't care if they liked me or not, because I like me and my personality shined. My usual engagement that I have in my vanilla life came out and they saw the real me...not the me that I used to try show when we used to go out with others on dates last year. This is the attitude that I wanted before and I have it now but now I have to keep it. We got an email back and they did like us, and they want to set something up. Now, my anxiety is up again and I want to shut it down because I want to swing but I want to shut off my overthinking this darn lifestyle because I Mrs. Learning, is an over analyzer and I hate it. I just want to shut it off, but I can't. It's part of who I am and I thought I could but after this weekend, I am painfully aware that I cannot shut it off. I just need to go with the flow.

We spent the weekend seeing the regulars and the DJs too. Everyone is good. I finally got Mr. Learning to admit that he wants to fuck Mrs. DJ, like fully fuck her, no soft stuff and I'm so excited he was able to say that. Will it happen, probably not, but it's so fun to think about that. DJ's are doing great and we are hitting up a party next month so who knows what will go on. We're going because one of our Canadian friends are down that we met 1.5 years ago and we want to see them again. I hear they have totally progressed in the lifestyle and I so want to see this. We had already planned on being childless that weekend because we were going to hit a beer event so we are going to swing by that and swing onto a party. Are we going to swing? I have no clue but are we going to have fun?I bet we could.

So if I need any sense knocked into me, let me know. I'm totally up in the air right now not wanting to rush into anything but there is a desire there that is building up. Humm!

Happy HNT and it's 6-9 woot! woot!

2011-06-08T18:12:00.000-07:00

Chuckle happy 6-9 today...one of my favorite positions that was introduced to me by my first lover. Goodness, he was creative with positions at 19 years old but unfortunately, it only lasted a minute because he would orgasm so quickly that it wasn't even funny.

It's damn hot here so I'm taking some clothes off! I really like this picture that I snapped off. I took it tonight and I have to say, oh hell yeah would I do me :) so the sexy feelings are coming back. I'm rocking at Jenny Craig. Down 5 lbs and eating better than I ever have. My workouts are strong at the gym and I feel in total control. I love that place and I love how I feel when I walk out of there. I'm on cloud nine. For me, the gym is just a notch below sex.

I'm pushing myself to get outside of my comfort zone. Later this month, I was asked to be on an alumni panel for class to speak about my profession. I normally would shy away from this but ever since swinging, I'm more apt to try new things. Plus I'm so passionate about my career that it's not even funny. I'll keep you all posted and let you know how it goes.

Life is good...and it's only getting better. I have to say, I am unbelieveably happy with everything right now. I love my life, my husband, my son, and my family. I'm so blessed beyond belief.

2011-06-05T06:56:00.000-07:00

We have a vanilla date set up with a swinger couple on Saturday. I saw the profile and I had to say hi. They have small children like us so that was a major draw. They know we are not swinging for until at lease the fall due to the baby break. We were going to back out of the date because I didn't feel like meeting any new people yet but I figured if they wouldn't accept me now, I won't want to fuck them when I'm smaller. Besides, I'm a cute chunky chick right now. Anyways, I'm a tad nervous to dip my toes again. It's been a year since we have been on a date with people. The last time we had a date, it was with this couple who sent all these vibes of "hey we are into you" but only to find out, they weren't. Funny thing is that they are out of the lifestyle anyways. I just don't understand people sometimes and the mixed up signals that they send. I'm perfectly okay with leaving dinner and saying goodbye. This couple wanted to go from place to place to place with us. They had every opportunity to bail but yet they continued to engage. If we don't enjoy a couple, we say goodnight after dinner. If we really like them, then there are other options.

I think the worst date we ever went on was with a couple who were in their early 50s. I'm okay with people in their 50s but you got to have a zest for life. These people acted like they had one foot in the coffin. The man kept on drooling over me and noted multiple times how he would like to get me into a shower because it is so sensual that I wanted to puke. This was the second date we ever had and we didn't necessarily know how to go, hey we are not into you that way. Hanging out socially with this couple would not have worked either. We should have been upfront but we weren't. We just told them we were too busy to hook up again. Thinking back and thinking forward, I think we need to be a tad more honest with others but how do you do that? It is okay to note thanks for the great but there's no chemistry? Would that get you a bad reputation in the swing community?

HNT!!!

2011-06-02T18:32:00.000-07:00

Today was an awesome day. Windows down in the car as I was crusing down the freeway listening to my swinger music. I joke that channel 2 on XM is my swinger music because it would always get me into the mood to swing. Did I mention, I have began to miss swinging a tad? We are not going to do anything until the fall but oh, how the channel 2 puts me in the mood for my inner swing girl self.

Self esteem is getting better. I'm eating well and loving Jenny Craig. I'm so impressed with the program. I'm down 4lbs so I will take it. The gym is going well and I was so proud of myself. I wasn't able to get up this morning to go early, rough night with the kid so I walked at lunch. I had my HRM on and I burned off 400 calories in 40 minutes. Yea me!

The regulars are okay but they are on a break for a great reason. I hope they work on the stuff because it would be a shame to get off the break and not be able to have some fun. I heard about the weekend and it didn't surprise me. Humm...funny how things work out.

HNT

2011-05-26T07:14:00.001-07:00

I love sunglasses :) when I was little I could never wear sunglasses because I wore glasses. When I got older I was able to purchase some prescription to save my eyes. I love glasses, I do. On men they are even sexier. Funny thing is that Mr. Learning is the only guy I ever dated that didn't wear glasses. Every lifestyle guy I have been with has had glasses....humm, it's fair for me to say I have a glasses fetish.

I feel better after yesterdays post. I just needed to get that off my chest. It's childish to feel that way because we do have an amazing life. Our vanilla life is busy and sometimes non stop so what I miss about that swinger life is the connections. I have great vanilla friends but my lifestyle friends are a richer relationship if that means anything. They don't bullshit me and I feel I can be myself around them. I guess that's what's missing now. But it's a temporary feeling because my free time what I want is to hang out with my husband and baby. I don't want to throw swinging into the mix for a while. Life is good!

2011-05-25T18:52:00.000-07:00

Presentation went okay, thanks for the well wishes Hubman. I still have to firm up my skills. I do so much better behind the scenes but it's good to push my limits at times or I would never grow.

Had to deal with those feelings of being left out with the regulars and chemistry's. They had their weekend up north and now I see their conversations back and forth on Facebook. I am happy that it worked out for them all but it's "oh darn I wish I could"... Then I get thinking that these are the times that I wish I didn't know about the lifestyle. I wish I didn't have the feelings of missing the activities, that fun, etc. I love my vanilla life but that longing to participate is still there...but then there's that irrational side (or maybe it's my rationale side) of WTF Mrs. Learning, why the heck do you even want to be in the lifestyle again one day? Why can't you just let it go?i only wish I knew. In a way, I do know. Mr. Learning is pretty laid back...very laid back....so laid back that the only thing he had ever told me what he wanted sexually was to swing. So I was open to try, it was so refreshing to finally hear something he wanted. It will be fine but it's such an odd spot for me right now. It's like I'm trapped between two amazing worlds and sometimes I just wish things were a tad simplier with my desires. It's hard to be vanilla when you dipped your toes in the swinger pool. Anyways, thanks for listening. I always feel better when I can process my feelings here.

2011-05-24T18:52:00.001-07:00

I'm going to dieters hell...bahawawa!!! Going into Mr. Learnings sister is the hardest thing because they have amazing food where they live. Let's just say my eating went to hell in a handbasket but I had a strong week. No more travelling until late July, which is a huge relief to me because we have to have some balance. It seems all we do is run run run and that's not exactly good to do with an infant. We have a ton of fun but there's got to be some balance.

Work is going okay as long as I keep pretty busy but that's easy in my job. I have a presentation tomorrow so wish me luck. I feel kind of rusty but I'm sure I can get back into the swing of things ;)

2011-05-18T18:17:00.000-07:00

Okay...so great catch there John and Ann about carb cycling, I did have a post until the flub on blogger. I always write my post on my iPhone and delete it afterwards so the post was lost :( I've essentially been on every diet known to mankind since the age of 12. You name it, I have been on it. Mr. Learning and I are so fed up with our weight so we wanted to do something about it. After four weeks of weight watchers and mainly gains, we decided to switch things up. We were first going to go on carb cycling but my mother in law mentioned Jenny Craig. I did some searching and I was impressed with Jenny Craig because it's the ultimate lazy persons diet. There's no thinking on this diet, there's just doing. No cooking except for popping meals in the microwave and folks they are yummy. We chose to do this because the sad simple fact is that when you have a newborn and work there is no time at all. This is my day, up at 4 to feed baby learning, gym at 5:30. Get back home, shower, get ready, get bottle ready, and interact with baby learning while Mr. Learning is feeding him. Leave for work, 60 min commute, run like a mad women and do my job. Leave work, got home at 6:00. Baby learning was fussy, tried to interact with him but he was so tired. Pop in dinners, eat, feed baby learning, get him ready for bed, we read to him, then we prepare lunches for tomorrow, and finally rest! Jenny Craig has been a lifesaver for us. I'll let you know how we do. I'm not hungry so far and the processed food tastes great. I would like to be doing clean cooking but time is of the essence right now. I just want to spend as much time as possible with my baby and this program allows me to. I'll keep you all posted on the progress!

2011-05-17T19:14:00.000-07:00

Went back to work today. Cried for about half an hour on my way to work. I know baby learning is in an excellent daycare but it's hard. Every mom knows this and they say it gets easier. Mr. Learning is an amazing dad. I don't know how single people do this parenting thing. He is so helpful! I love my man :) I married well...

2011-05-14T07:59:00.000-07:00

I'm learning to accept change in my life. A year ago today, I could have imagined I would be a mom, thinking about moving, and leaving my job to search for new opportunities but I am. After weighing out the pros/cons, we have decided that if Mr. Learning is given a relocation package we will take it. That means me giving up my dream job, dream house, and being comfortable for a new challenge. The key thing is that I want better for Baby Learning. Having both parents not local and making a huge commute would not be good, especially when he gets older. When I was little, my parents had to work. I remember missing out on things as I got older. I so wanted to participate in sports, but couldn't because my parents worked. I don't want Baby Learning to suffer just because his parents but their jobs first due to the money. I have a very marketable degree that I can go anywhere. Will I make the money I do now, heck no but could I be close to home? Could I have two hours of my day back? Could I have some growth potential? Yes. I'm open to new opportunities for the first time in my life. Change is good, right? If we don't get the relocation package, the plan is to stay here, sock away money, and move down there when Baby Learning gets older because we live in a crappy school district. The worst in the area. All my neighbors send their kids to private school. If we had to do that it would just be wiser to move because that expense and gas.

Had breakfast with Mrs. Regular yesterday. She ribbed me for thinking about moving, I ribbed her about having a full swap because we both are doing things that we said we never would do. Things are going well for them. She has a massive girl crush on the fulls that she did. It's nice to see her happy with swinging and keeping an open mind. I honestly don't think we will ever swing with them. Stepping back, I love our vanilla relationship. If they were exit swinging, shut it down, I would prefer us to be friends over sexual partners. It makes more sense to me. We discussed the move and swinging. All great topics and agreed that we should meet once a month to keep up with each other. I agree because it's nice to talk about stuff especially swinging with someone you know. She was updating me on their adventures and I found out that they met up with our date for next month. They were not impressed with the couple. The female seemed distant and the man was like leisure suit Larry from Three's Company. She tried to back peddle noting that maybe it was a bad night but I noted it's not like we are going to screw the couple or discuss lifestyle stuff in front of kids. We are meeting the people on a vanilla basis. I laughed and told her that we would compare notes after meeting them. It struck me on how really small the swing community is. Never act like an ass because that reputation can be hard to get rid of. Be on your best behavior at all times :)

2011-05-11T07:45:00.000-07:00

I saw Mrs. Chemistry yesterday for the first time in seven months. I missed her so much. The visit was prompted after I told Mrs. Regular that I could go a year without seeing then because they were lifestyle friends only. I knew I was lying when I said this and I felt bad about it. I was just insecure about seeing then because I didn't want to get rejected by them. So off I went :)

It was so good to see her. She is an amazing woman, just amazing. She's made some changes within herself as a woman and I applaud her. I'm seeing a new confident woman who is learning how to be sure of herself...see herself as valuable. She is finally seeing that she is the whole package. Folks, she is the whole kit and caboodle. She has the warmest personality ever. She is intelligent, giving, and spicy. Her smile will light up a room. When we walked into the hotel party that we met them at, she was passing out beads. I wanted a beads so I asked her how to get one and she said a kiss. Needless to say, that is how we got the ball rolling.

I was honest with her and it felt good. I told her I was afraid if rejection and how I thought about her and missed her presence. That felt good to get out. I know it's "bad" to get emotionally attached to people in the lifestyle but I like having them in my life. I like them as people regardless of swinging.

We talked about the lifestyle and how at times it can get complicated especially when we as women, may struggle from self esteem issues. She admitted that it has gotten herself into situations because she couldn't say no. It can be disastrous if you engage in swinging when the confidence is not there. You have to have a pretty high self esteem to swing (or to swing properly) because issues can arise from the lack of self esteem. That's when jealousy, bad feelings, creep into your head and complicate the situation. There's nothing more vulnerable as a female when you are fucking a guy and watching your spouse do someone else. Your head has to be in the right place. That's why I'm using this baby break to strengthen myself as a woman. Not only for swinging but as a wife and mom. The amazing thing is that I'm feeling so much like me again, but only better. Does that make any sense? I don't know but it's a good feeling. Let's keep this rolling.

2011-05-10T04:25:00.000-07:00

It's funny how my need for control in life my limit our possibilities. I need to work on this. I hate change, absolutely hate it but I know sometimes it can be good. In looking at Mr. Learning's news yesterday, I shut down completely instead of embracing it. Maybe change can be good, right? I'm trying to trust that it is. In looking at our future options, I may need to come to the realization that I'm not in my forever house or job. This is hard for me because when I was young, my family moved three times and it was devasting to me. Now, with the changes, we can either be proactive or reactive. I would much rather be proactive. Here are the facts: I currently earn more money than Mr. Learning but I'm at the top of the pay scale. No raises except maybe COLA. Mr. Learning will probably earn more than me in 3-5 years. His company can be very stable. They very rarely let people go. My industry depending on politics can be potentially unstable. They are currently working my coworkers to death at work. I have generous benefits, as well as Mr. Learning. We both will have to commute 1 hour north/1 hour south. We currently live in a horrible school district, I mean horrible. In the future, if baby learning is not a motivated student we would have to send him to private school. The schools near Mr. Learning's job are excellent. They offer everything to the students. That is not the case here where we currently live. We can sell our house (at a loss of course in a few years) quickly. We can buy a house down there because it's affordable. I can find work easily as my work is in demand but I would be paid much less. I just need to trust that Mr. Learning likes his job enough to do this. I asked him last night if he liked his work and he does. Maybe his venting is just his way of letting of steam. I love my job but could I love another job? Maybe. Do I want my son in daycare all day, no. Do I want my son in crap schools, no. Do I want my son to not be able to participate in anything because his parents work too much, no. We have a few years but now isctge time to set goals and plans in place. I also just need to trust and that is a hard thing to do at times.

2011-05-09T06:47:00.000-07:00

We have had this dark looming cloud over us for the past 8 months. Mr. Learning's company has been restructing and they were looking at closing his office. We were waiting for the official word and it's coming today. He just talked to a company lawyer and it looks like the office is indeed closing. Shit. My kid is going to be in daycare from 7-6 unless we seriously look at some options. I make really good money for my career, infact, I make about $30K higher than most of the people in my career. Mr. Learning just got a 15% raise.

When you have a child, it is true that your priorities change. I can't imagine him being in daycare for that long. Mr. Learning used to do the hour commute to where they will be transfering him and it was hell. Mr. Learning hates his job but I honestly think he would hate his job no matter what. So even if he went back to school for another bachelors degree, I think he would be miserable. This is his second career. He hated his first career too because at the age of ten, he was hell bent on that career. He didn't explore any other options except that career. Now, he is poised at doing the commute again. He doesn't want to...I don't want him to either but in life and this economy, there are very few choices. What we can control is our schedules. I can control my schedule to a point and so can he. Baby Learning doesn't have to be in daycare from 7:00-6:00, there are options for us, but we just need to communicate. I could flex two days a week, so could he and then one long day in daycare for baby learning. He was wanting to totally quit his job and stay home but I don't think that would be a great option for him either. He's not the type of guy that would be great at staying home. He would get bored. I'm just so sad today. It will all work out in the long run, I know but today...well it just sucks. Though, it could be worse.

2011-05-08T02:11:00.001-07:00

Today is my first mothers day as a mom to someone. I admit that for many years I have been petrified to have a child who I was solely responsible for. I've seen so many children messed up from their parents poor choices in my life. I haven't seen stellar parenting too much. I didn't want to be one if those people. I never felt ready to be a mom, even during the pregnancy I questioned if I was ready to do this. Then I started to think about what things I know I'm great at. I know I'm great at the loving part. When I love, I love fully with my heart. I knew I could love this baby fully and unconditionally. I am patient....very patient. I can ask for help if I don't know something or look it up on you tube (you would be amazed what I have learned from you tube). I can laugh at myself on how stupid I am at times. I can be encouraging. I can keep my promises. When I fail, I can admit to my failures. I can be a great mom. I will do my best to be the best mom possible. I will fail him at some points in his life but that is life and I'm not striving for perfection. I just want to be good :) I love baby learning and thank God for him because he is amazing. Happy mothers day to all moms out there!

2011-05-07T02:00:00.001-07:00

I have never had the urge to tell someone I was a swinger until a lunch date with an old friend from high school yesterday. She was in town so we met up. In high school, she was always quirky but cool. She was one of those uber intelligent girls who always wanted to be in the background. She didn't want to show herself off. She talked about how she always faded herself out in life, no attention from others. She wants to live life but she is her own worst enemy. Shes gained 150 since high school but she is still beautiful. She dreams of going zipping lining but doesn't out of fear of her weight, that she cannot, or she will piss her pants. She dreams of travelling to see yosemite but hates to travel. She wants to believe in herself again and I can see it happening. We discussed how her husband never gives her an unsolicited compliment, it's been four years since he has said something kind. I asked if she thought that he knew how and she noted "yeah, he'll say some woman has a great ass". I then chimed and said "next tine when he does this tell him to bring her home for you so you both can enjoy her". Opps, I would normally never ever say something like this to anyone and she replied "I would enjoy that a ton but my husband isn't into that". I wanted to tell her about how encouraging the lifestyle was and how when I went to a nudist camp, it finally clicked that a body comes in so many shapes and sizes. Everyone (minus those with crappy attitudes) has a beautiful body as it's just a shell. It's true that beneth the layers, your mind is what is mist attractive. I couldn't tell her this but I so wanted to. I saw myself kind of in her yesterday. I know I'm making awesome progress and coming around. I'm always about how people are transitional in your life...they come in...they come out...yesterday she came in and that's what I needed.

Swinger tip #1

2011-05-06T18:12:00.000-07:00

I don't think I told this story yet. Swinger tip #1...never never never travel in the same car when going to a club with swinger friends that you are vanilla with. You always need an out.

We met a couple at the first party we ever went to. They were super nice and cool. Though, they were about 17 years older than I and we were not attracted to them in a sexual manner, just loved being around them. We hung out with them a ton, doing movies together, dinner, breakfast, and going to a swing club a few times where we just share the same space, no fucking them. That was the first mistake, we spent too much time with them which probably sent them mixed signals. We did this for about 6 months. It was the his birthday and their son backed out in going with them out of state to a concert. They offered us the tickets and to go with them. We accepted. We travelled with them 6 hours out. We decided to hit up a club on that Friday. We always told them, "if you see a couple that you want to be with, go for it". We never picked up a couple with them because no one struck our fancy up until then. I had spotted this amazingly hot couple right when they walked in. She was stunning and so was he. She was the cute blonde, beautiful breasts, stunning smile. He was this cute blonde, stunning smile too, and they had a nice chemistry together. I wanted to go over to talk with them but I was scared. Soooo I did what any shy women does, hit on her in the bathroom. I told her that I thought she was adorable. She said the same about me...she brings me back to their table to introduce me to the husband. We chat and I bring them over to the table with Mr. Learning and the friends. We talk and the chemistry is hot with couple. They are new and have not done anything before. I thought well we all can go upstairs and do our spouses. I presented the idea to all. The friends said that they would be up. We waited about 20 minutes, our friends never came up. By that time we were enjoying the hell out of the other couple. Mmmm, it was nice. I loved everything we did with that couple. About some time later they find us and us that they are leaving and if we don't leave now, we will need a cab. We get out to the car and she throws my purse at me. We ride back in silence to the hotel. At breakfast they are cordial but distant. I said to them, "okay...we need to talk". From there I get the worst but chewing in my adult life. She is mean, very mean. We manage to smooth things out for the weekend to get home. Our friendship was over. So this is my first swinger tip, always ride seperately. We could have been dumped 6 hours from home. That whole trip
was a clusterfuck. Funny thing at Christmas time, I'm in one of my favorite stores. I look up and there she is. She is cordial, I am cordial but I think back and go how stupid were we?

HNT: 9 weeks post pregnancy...

2011-05-04T19:16:00.000-07:00

This is me...post pregnancy 9 weeks. Not as scary as what I thought. I was scared to post it but I wanted to also do it to get comfy again with my body. I know it's temporary but I'm craving my old self esteem back again. It's there somewhere...come out come out where ever you are...hehe!

2011-05-03T11:43:00.000-07:00

Damn, I wished that pregnancy in heels on Bravo would have been on when I was pregnant! I love this show because it actually dealt with some of the issues that came up while I was pregnant. My first issue that I saw on the show was "Experiential Avoidance" which according to wikkipedia, is that has been broadly defined as attempts to avoid thoughts, feelings, memories, physical sensations, and other internal experiences—even when doing so creates harm in the long-run. I thought while pregnant that our life was essentially over with. I worried about how life was going to change so much that I neglected to see all the positives that a child could have added to our life. The other issue on the show dealt with a couple whose sex life took a nose dive during pregnancy. That was me...I'm confessing that we only had sex five times during the whole pregnancy. That is sad :( I was so scared, had such massive issues with my body, that I could not/would not connect with Mr. Learning in a sexual manner. We went from a very active life to me just giving him a hand job or blow job. Reconnecting with Mr. Learning is really important to me right now. It's been a long 10 months. I want the next pregnancy to be different. I want to do things right because I feel like I missed some lovely moments during the process. I was so consumed with issues, that I missed out of the actual joy. I feel sad now that I didn't take more pictures of myself with my belly. The pictures that I have now, I cherish them. I so wish I had more :( so I can't repair the past but hopefully next time I will be less neurotic. I feel like the hormones are decreasing and my old but new self is returning. It feels great to have one of my hobbies back. I loved working out, I love the gym and being on a treadmill kicking butt, sweating, or standing on a balance ball for 2 minutes. I feel like me again. I'm on day 2 at the gym. Baby learning has been good for Mr. Learning so I'm thankful. The key is preparation and organization. I figure if I can figure out the schedule now, it will not be a shock when I go back to work in a few weeks. On Friday, we are doing a trial run for baby learning at the daycare. Mr. Learning is going to drop him off and I will be picking him up an hour later. We totally going to prep the night before as this is the key to success (or at least I am hoping).

I sent a message to Mrs. Chemistry the other day noting that I was scared to see her and Mr. Chemistry because of my weight gain and how I'm not nearly back to my pre-pregnancy body. I figure that most lifestylers are like the vanilla world, consumed with outward appearance. I easily forget that most swingers are pretty accepting of many things, especially bodies. It's like you are embraced more in the swingerworld for who you are, not what you look like because they see everything. It's like the swinger world makes you more vulnerable but in a good way. I figured honesty is the best policy and to tell you the truth, I can talk more openly to Mrs. Chemistry more than any friend I know (well besides Mr. Learning). It felt good to confront my fears of seeing them. We set up plans for next week so I will be making the two hour drive to meet up with her at my favorite store. She can meet baby learning and we can see each other. I miss her terribly because I felt we connected well both in the vanilla world and in the swinger world. Kissing her was the most amazing feeling. She was good, very good. It helps when being with a bisexual woman who knows it because man, they know what to do. Her skills were something :) She kissed like a man, which I love how men kiss...that hard passionate way. I know I'm too soft when kissing another female. Some women like it hard, very hard but it's not my style. Now that is something too look forward to.

2011-05-02T08:25:00.001-07:00

Balancing vanilla life is going to be difficult this month. We are essentilly gone every weekend this month except one. Birthday parties for a neice and a nephew, vanilla get togethers, mothers day, family trip up north to stay at a classic hotel, and then memorial day. Then you add going back to work and taking baby learning to daycare. Yikes! Our first night away from baby learning is this weekend. He'll be 9 weeks old. We are doing a test run so we can got to a reception on Saturday. Then we are going out with vanilla friends that night. I totally trust my inlaws so I feel good about it. I just will need to call every couple of hours to see how well he is doing. Drat!!!!! My mom just called, family plans on Sunday so no leaving the baby because we can't be bouncing back and forth from up north to down south. Another time then. This is how the new life works...flexibility.

We took baby learning into his daycare last week and I'm in love with the place. They are so interactive with the infants. I just can't believe all the good stuff they are doing. I know it's going to be hard to leave him but it will okay...I keep telling myself this because cheerleading statements work.

I went back to the gym today. It's been 10 long months. It felt good, really good. Today was the longest that I stared at myself in the mirror. I don't look too bad, just a tad fluffly. I've honestly been avoiding mirrors for months now. Talk about confronting my fear, and it wasn't that bad! Now I just need to master gym and kid in the morning.

2011-05-01T20:31:00.000-07:00

We have a son that travels well!!!! For right now that is but I will take it. We had a great weekend, it was amazing. We started out at the regulars and had dinner with their family and our son. They watched the kid and we played board games with their son and his girlfriend. Then we chilled for the rest of the night chatting about current events. The son slept 10 hours!!!! Woot woot! We got up and headed into Chicago where we met the godparents for a birthday dinner. It was nice. Then Mr. Learning communicated a boundary (which never happens...he is stepping up!!) He noted "hey we would like to hang but I'm tired so we are going back to the room and crash" and crash we did. We got this huge room, downtown, on priceline for super cheap. We were in our PJs at 6pm and little man slept 6 hours. Okay, can you say amazing...I could get to this.

Did better at WW this past week. Loaded up on transitional clothes at goodwill and got some new jewelry at Target. It feels great to be outbid the maternity clothes and into something that fits. I'm feeling more like me again. Starting the gym with cross training tomorrow. Life is getting back to normal.

So the regulars finally went full though not with the chemistry's. Which makes me wonder why Mrs. Regular was so worried a few weeks ago. Anyways, Mr. Regular and I were texting back and forth today and he noted that they were full now. He said something like "when you get back in the game maybe...". I just told him that we are taking it slow and he can make time for us softies if they want. They have been hitting the lifestyle circuit pretty heavy. I still contend that when you are soft and hanging out with all fulls, well you are going to be eventually a full. It's way too tempting.

We have a meeting planned next month. It's going to be strictly vanilla because we are meeting a couple who is looking for swingers with kids to do vanilla stuff with. It might be a good match and they know we are vanilla right now so they are kosher with that. We are clear about our break and it's not an issue for them. We'll see but at least it would be nice to meet a couple who has young kids because it feels like there are very few couples like us.

2011-04-24T19:13:00.000-07:00

I love my family :) I'm blessed with an amazing husband, a beautiful son, amazing parents, and supportive in laws. How did I get so lucky? I have no idea but it's nice to be surrounded by loving, supportive individuals. I'm counting my blessings.

Bow chic a wow wow....Mr. Learning & I got it on last night and it was nice. After some lube (thanks Veronica), relaxing, and me in top we were able to go through with it finally. He had no issues with cumming at all with using a condom but I had some trouble...that and listening to the darn baby monitor. Next time we are going to have to shut that thing off because I had trouble getting into the zone. My mind was just bouncing bouncing bouncing! Not good :( but I still had fun.

I'm feeling better about myself. Getting fitting clothing does help a ton. I think I'm going to glam up a bit. Maybe accessorize some more...I maybe chunky right now but I'm still cute. So I might as well put my best foot forward and work with what I got and I hate being miserable and having major body issues. It will just take some time :) and I do have time.

2011-04-22T08:13:00.000-07:00

First family trip is next week. First on Friday is a vanilla night with the regulars and Saturday is Chicago. Yikes!!! We are both apprehensive about the upcoming travels as we have never travelled with a newborn before. We tried bailing on the regulars but then I got an email from Mr. Regular noting "if you don't want to hang out with us anymore just say so". I know he was joking (well I think he was) so I called and talked to them both. They noted "you can't stop living. Get your butt down here next week. You guys are making this a huge deal. Just pack what you need. If you forget something go to the store". Okay, we'll see how it goes. It's hard because family and vanilla friends stress to us that "you guys need to slow down" while the regulars who like us are busy stress "keep moving...mold him into your life". I guess too, it's just that we don't want to inconvenience anyone. Who wants a screaming newborn around? I know we didn't before baby learning but maybe that's different since we are parents now. I was also relieved to find out that the Chemistry's are not coming into town.

Got my transition clothes yesterday. After buying $250 of clothes from Old Navy online...I'm only keeping $30 worth. What I ordered fit but it just didn't flatter my body. My body shape is a pear, which is kind of hard to shop for. Luckily, I was able to find some clothing at the local resale shops. I found 6 full outfits for $35...love it. I settled on keeping 2 different styles of this dress. It flatters my body type so maybe this summer I will be sporting more dresses. I'm trying to feel sexy again and dressing up helps so I will do anything. It's almost that fake it till I make it :) I'll get it back, it will just take me some time. WW scale was 217...me naked in the morning on my scale 205. I love my scale :)

2011-04-20T19:38:00.000-07:00

I had my 6 week postpartum checkup. I'm in the clear! So I'm excited, I'm all thinking that I was going to get some last night...waited...waited...waited...waited...to finally giving up :( Mr. Learning was pre-occupied with work. Bah! He apologized but I was so bummed out. He absolutely hates his job, loves the company but hates the people he deals with. He's too analytical for his job. Poor Mr. Learning has never had a career that he is passionate about. Thus, he is always miserable with his work life, which impacts us because his mood can be preoccupied. I joked this morning that he needs a Monday-Friday antidepressant so he can make it through the week. I on the otherhand, love what I do. I'm good at it :) I know how to leave work at work and believe me, I have a job that is prone to come home with you. Luckily, I've learned great skills to keep it separate. Now only if Mr. Learning could do that. So here's to sex wishes...because using my viberator every night is not as good as Mr. Learning.

2011-04-17T02:16:00.000-07:00

Mrs. Regular came up for lunch and we talked about what was going on with them swinging wise. I was put in a semi bad position yesterday. If I had a crystal ball, I should have known this was coming. What do you do when you know too much? Do you spill the beans and blab everything? Or do you keep your mouth shut? Do you provide insight or keep quiet? I would like to hope that I provided inight, consoled, and kept my mouth shut about what I knew. It's a spot that I don't want to be in again. They have to make sure they do what's right for them. I congratulated her on the communication she has with her hubby and how much they have grown as a swinging couple. They have expanded their horizons, found a sexy couple, and also identified potential flags for them. Most people would have ignored the signs, kept their months shut, but communication with them is key. Impressive...which lead me to again think that swinging can be complex. There are so many different dynamics that come into play when swinging. It's not for the faint of heart. When emotions start getting tugged in different ways, it gets complicated. The complications can be vast and lead to seeds of doubt. So I guess you can say "when in doubt....do not swing!" because you can step back from the situation, get some insight, and decide then what to do.

Baby learning is getting on schedule at night! I'm so excited :) he's going about 3.5 hours between feedings and all I can say is that 3.5 hours between feedings is heaven. Mr. Learning
takes the 10-1 shift and I'm on the 1-7 shift. So far it's working and we both are getting more than 5 hours of sleep at night. Not bad for a six week old, er?

Balancing vanilla life is now coming into play. The next four weekends we are racing. Two of those weekends we are staying overnight some where. I'm not looking forward to that yet. One weekend we have to go to a birthday party for the godfather out of town and the other us where we are spending the night at our favorite resort hotel. If things get bad, we can forgo the resort(our inlaws will take our place) but no getting out of the birthday party :( I'm not looking forward to that because I'm still semi pissed at the girlfriend of the godfather. When baby learning was 2 weeks old, they came to stay the weekend and brought their sick kids. Needless to say, baby learning got sick at 2 weeks old for 2 weeks and Mr. Learning got it too :( I haven't chatted with her since then. I know I need to get over it but I still cannot get over her ignorance because she knew coming in the kids where sick. On the first day she noted it was allergies, on tge second day she fessed up to having the kids go to the doctor two days prior to the stay. Humm!!! I'm getting to be a protective mommy.

2011-04-14T19:02:00.000-07:00

Bah!!! Today was a wake up call. Ordering plus sizes from Old Navy was quite the wake up call. I bought enough clothes to get me through the week for a bit until the weight comes off. It sucks but baby Learning was worth it. Another wake up call is my gaining at weight watchers tonight. I'm up .4 and Mr. Learning is up 2 :( it just wasn't our week. We socialized way too much this week. Last Saturday, we had some if Mr. Learning's coworkers over and the brews were a flowing. Then some friends stopped by and some more brews flowed. Then yesterday I took baby learning to meet some girlfriends and the cosmo's were a flowing. Yup, too much of a good thing can be bad. I vow this week to track all my points, I swear.

My six week check up is next week. It's been over 4 months since we have had typical sex. I just wasn't into having sex while pregnant because of the complications and my low self esteem. The pregnancy really hit me hard because I felt do undesireable to myself and to Mr. Learning. Mr. Learning has been getting a lot of oral/hand jobs and I take care of myself. When it comes to me, it's sexual but I'm not doing it out of horniness but I'm doing it because it puts me into a deep sleep. Anyways, I'm petrified to have sex again :( I am craving him but I'm sooooo scared. I had some tearing so I have no clue how everything looks now, nor do I want too. Usually, I would have been checking it out but I dint want to see the damage. Maybe, I'll get brave and check things out...maybe not....eek!

I have 4 more weeks off :( I love my job but I'm so not looking forward to the challenging road ahead. I have a long workday plus a ling commute, then I will get home and have to take care of everything so that's going to be exhausting. Hopefully, I can manage it though I really don't have much of a choice. I'll just enjoy my remaining days...then life happens. Lots of changes going on.

Mommy time...

2011-03-31T10:11:00.000-07:00

It's a boy :) Had a super easy delivery like I wanted to. Not bad for an older mom, huh? We are settling into parenthood right now. He's a great baby and so far, so good. I'm in love with the little guy. Though, the one thing about being a parent, what out for unsolicited parenting advice from others. I'm also surprised how some people have been judging us already. The biggest thing is that we chose not to get baby learning circumsized. I did it more for the sexual aspect and Mr. Learning made the decision because it was an elective procedure. I figure if he wants to get it done when he is older, he can. At least he will be making the decision. We are trying to get into a routine and we have found one but thank goodness for time off! This is the longest I have ever been without working and I love it. It's nice to sit and bond with baby learning. I will savor every minute of it.

As things are starting to get back to normal, I'm trying to get myself back into some normal status. I gained a total of 45 pounds with the pregnancy. I'm at 205 pounds right now and it's really effecting my self esteem :( I know it's going to take a while to get back down. I'm trying not to belittle myself but I am and I really need to stop. With pregnancy, what came out of it for me is that old demons came back tht I guess I never dealt with properly. When I was in my 20s, I was severly overweight from the lifestyle that I lived in college. It took me two years, but I got down to a normal weight. During the last 8 years, I never really struggled too badly but the pregnancy and the emphasis on my weight during the pregnancy by myself and PCP put it back into full swing. Mr. Learning and I joined Weight Watchers. I can return to activity in late April so I'm looking forward to that. It's just been a total mind fuck for me.

We are seeing the Chemistrys with the regulars at the end of April. At this point, I'm not looking forward to it. I totally miss the chemistry's but totally embarassed by myself. The two couples are very close now, which is awesome for them though I'm wondering about the ackwardness with us. Last time I chatted with Mr. Chemistry was the weekend away. We see the regulars but, our relationship is a vanilla one with them. I highly doubt if we will ever close the line again. On our part, we are almost too good of friends. If it wasn't for their desire to fly the coop when their youngest leaves, Mr. Learning and I would actually love to have them as Godparents to baby learning. They are such good people. Odd I know but they are great people with excellent family values.

This is where we are at. I love where I am at as a new mom...though as a woman, I need to strengthen myself. I can't continue to beat myself up :( about how my body has changed and it reminds me of where I was at many years ago.

Waiting...thinking...waiting

2011-02-22T17:04:00.000-08:00

Waiting...waiting...waiting...for baby learning! Still plugging away :)

One good thing about being out of the lifestyle for a bit is that you get a clearer head about where you want to go in the lifestyle. It's funny that back in May/early June, Mr. Learning and I were such in a strange spot with swinging. We were running around meeting a ton of couples and basically it got exhausting! I hated "dating" other couples, meeting for drinks, wondering if there was any attraction, etc. I really enjoyed the hotel party scene and the clubs. You know right then if attraction was there, if it was, you are ready to roll. Meeting on dates, yeah, I don't see us ever doing that in the future. Arranging for sitting, etc. seems like a hassle to me. If we do partake in the future, I forsee us slipping over to a club or party and just linking with others.

I feel so much better about posting about the regulars/chemistry's though I do admit to not wanting to face them for a bit. Yeah, immature but in a way, thus is where I am at. I'm questioning our swinging style a tad. Is it better to find a couple, screw the hell out of them, and never meet again? Or is it better that you have regulars? I'm leaning towards the screw and run lately. Luckily we have a ton of months to figure it out.

Too much info...

2011-02-07T18:24:00.001-08:00

I must admit that I've been having some interpersonal swinger confusion. Heck, I know we are out if the lifestyle for now, possibly very long time but I happened to find out some stuff last week that I've been ruminating over. I haven't been chatting with any of our old friends really too much. Mrs. Chemistry and I are Facebook friends and she sent me a nice note noting that she missed our chats and asked if we yahoo anymore. I noted to here that I haven't been running the program but I would hit her up that night and chat. We had a nice chat and then she noted that our regulars hit it off with them and Mrs. Regular was really wanting to screw Mr. Chemistry. Mrs. Chemistry does not really want to screw Mr. Regular so they are in a strange spot. I know Mrs. Chemistry's style so it would be safe to say she will cave and screw Mr. Regular. This pang of jealousy came out in me....and I've been thinking about it a ton. I wish that I did not know this information. It's that spot you want your friends to get together but the jealously came out for a couple of reasons...I know last year I wanted us to go there with both couples but thinking back, heck, I was more into screwing Mr. Chemistry just cause the heat. I did not want to really screw Mr. Regular but it would have been "safe". Mr. Learning enjoyed Mrs. Chemistry but she too found my hubby "safe". So I've been in swinger heck because I couldn't get this off my chest. It's just this "argh". Or maybe it's that feeling of being left out, watching others progress yet we are in a different realm now. I just need to shake this feeling. I know it's a stupid feeling but it's there and I hate having it.

Baby is almost here :) we both are excited but not even remotely emotionally ready for it but is anyone????? We are enjoying these last few weeks together and savoring the simple life.

Taking a mental health day :)

2010-11-23T08:07:00.000-08:00

I'm taking a mental health day today. It was totally planned so I didn't have any cancellations to make with anyone but it feels so great to be off of work for the day. I haven't had a full regular work day off since July. I slept in and woke up with Mr. Learning and sent him off to work. It's 11 am and I'm still in my jammies right now. My plans for the day include getting an oil change and getting my hair cut and colored with Mrs. Regular. I haven't seen her in a month so it will be great to have a little time to spend with her. I miss them, not really in the sexual longing sense but I miss the energy that they brought to the table. It's just life, but they turned out to be great friends in addition to great swing partners. We got a call from Mr. Regular yesterday inviting us down to their house on Wednesday night. So we will be spending the night at their home and then going off to my inlaws place for Thanksgiving.

We are almost done nesting. We have been hitting it hard because our family/close friends baby shower is out our house. We invited the Chemistry's and the Regulars to our shower...funny huh? We are hoping that the Chemistry's and the regulars are able to hook up before/after the shower because they had some awesome chemistry going on. We only want the best for our friends.

It appears that I have popped out pregnancy wise overnight. On Saturday, I felt a lot of pressure in my stomach and I swore on Sunday when I looked in the mirror that my belly now is larger than my boobs. I'm a 36C girl so I was like, "Aha, there you are baby!". The only thing that was pretty small on my body was my waist so it's gone now. It's funny how your body slowly changes with expecting. I kind of thought it was going to be overnight but it was pretty gradual. My breasts are still the same size though :)

Life is good though. I'm adapting better for the future changes. I'm the type of person that hates change but I'm getting better. It just takes me a while to transition into things...

It's been a little over two months...

2010-11-13T13:27:00.000-08:00

I haven't been here in so long, it's not even funny! Goodness...see what pregnancy brings you. I'm about 24 weeks along right now and bigger than all outdoors. That's okay though. The baby is healthy and I finally am getting back on track. I had to hit a dietician this past week because I was gaining too much weight :( Fortunately, I found the issue, eating too darn much. When I asked my doctor a few months back about my calorie range she noted to eat 300 calories more a day. Well I thought that would look like 1700-2000 but infact I should have been only eating 1500 a day. Thus the massive weight gain in two months. I basically have to maintain my current weight for the rest of the pregnancy.

Okay swinging wise, well that was done back in July. We went away with our regulars and the chemistrys in September and that was fun. Mr. Learning and I did our thing while they enjoyed each others company. It was finally nice that the regulars got to be with a cute couple. We've seen who they have been with so finally they hit in their league. We hit a party to socialize back in October to say goodbye to everyone. I have to say, it was ackward as a hell but it was a good closure to say goodbye to everyone we met. We are now officially retired in that area. We essentially have not seen the chemistry's since September nor the regulars. It's just wrapping up I guess. We are still in periodic contact by facebook but essentially, it's done too. Maybe they were all what I call transitional friends, they are in your life as long as they are supposed to be and transition out accordingly. Or maybe they were never friends, just swing partners.

So we are essentially floating right now. I'm not too sure if that's a great place to be but that's where we are. We have been busting our butts for months, getting the house ready, going back to our normal vanilla life, which is nice and quiet. Exactly where it's supposed to be, right? LOL...

This wave of sadness just flowed over me...

2010-09-07T16:00:00.000-07:00

Maybe its my pregnancy emotions (I have to be honest, I haven't had that happen a lot at all maybe just once) but I'm sad right now. Mr. Learning is at the gym and he'll be home soon to comfort me and tell me it will be okay. I took down our profile at our site...well didn't completely take it down but just removed everything off there except that we are on a break until next fall. That actually made me get all teary eyed. It's like closing a chapter of your life...wondering where it will lead. Can we get back here once again? So I'm sad. We had an awesome year and now it's another awesome. Vanilla life with hopefully some sprinkles.

HNT!

2010-08-19T04:04:00.000-07:00

What to do? What to do?

2010-08-17T10:54:00.000-07:00

Okay, ever have this happen? You really like a couple a lot. They are smokin hot, talking smoking. But...your vanilla life in the future could instersecr big time in the future? That's where we are at. We love the DJs but Mr. DJ is in my field. We'll he'll be in my field when his finishes his masters. He lives in the area that I work in and most of his former coworkers have came to my work place. I'm in a good spot with my job. In fact I could be a supervisor down the road and thus puts me in a bind because what if in the future. Yeah, totally enjoy them but I'm thinking we shouldn't enjoy them fully lol.

Happy Swing Anniversary to Us!

2010-08-14T14:50:00.000-07:00

It's our swing anniversary! A year ago today we decided to take the plunge and create a profile. It happened when we were in Colorado Springs and we just got back from a strip club. The strip club was horrible but it was fun creating the profile. Its been an entertaining year. Our lives will be totally different a year from now so we are living in the moment.

It's been a while since we have been to a hotel party...lets see two months? There's one five minutes from our house tonight so we are going. A year ago, if you would have told me that I would love hotel parties, I would have thought you would be crazy. Over the past year, I grew to love them because it's one place where you don't get truly rejected in the lifestyle. If people are truly not interested in you, they don't spend chatting your ear off and flirting. I've gotten better at communicating, flirting, and socializing at these parties. Back in the day, Mr. Learning and I supported the wall. Now we are cutting a rug on the dance floor. We'll we may dance some but I don't want to overdue it. I'm still not able to have sex or masturbate...blows but at least I can still blow Mr. Learning!

The lil bean is alright :)

2010-08-07T04:27:00.000-07:00

I have to say that I was pretty down the past week. After the spotting returned on Monday, I was like, "oh not again". When I chatted with my doctor on Tuesday, she had me discontinue the workouts and the sex until further notice. I understand the sex part but I was really trying to barter out some working out. After four minutes of listening to me, she was like "what do you not understand? no working out at all" in her calmest, most sweetest voices because she is a really sweet doctor. She set me up for an ultrasound on Friday. I got my scan and I have a rather active bean inside of me. The sac looked good and heartbeat was strong. My fears were lifted because I swore I was not pregnant and I lost the baby. I was wrong so far so good for baby. Just a few more weeks until we are out of the woods.

This weekend is the first weekend that we are hanging out at the home alone since April or May. It's what we really need. Our pacing is run run run run and that needs to slow down. I'm going to attack the house and do some massive cleaning. Mr. Learning is going to smoke a turkey and paint. Nice, huh? We live in a cool area. Initially I did not like it because it's a little more conservative than what I was used to but living in an urban area really gets you more in tune with the world around you. Yes, there are shops that I'm dying to come to town that don't make sense why they are not here yet, but give it a few years, they will be here. So today we are going to go about life for the first time in months in our home and that feels, well terrific. Here's to a great Saturday!

HNT vanilla style...

2010-08-05T16:35:00.000-07:00

I'm in vanilla hell this week due to spotting. No sex, even masturbation at all until they figure out why I am spotting. I also had to give up working out. It stopped when I stopped the workouts but I won't get the green light for any activities until the doctor sees my scan which is going to happen tomorrow. No hotel party for us this weekend, which makes me sad. We could go to socialize but being in the highly charged environment without being able to do anything would SUCK. So I can't drink, no sex, no masturbation, and no working out? Oh God!

Oh what an interesting lifestyle!

2010-07-27T18:32:00.000-07:00

Energy wise I'm trying to find some. Either the weekend kicked my ass or the pregnancy is.

Anyways, had a great coversation with Mrs. DJ. Haven't seen them in a month and she found out from a mutual friend that I was expecting so she was so excited for us. I wanted to tell her in person but the cat got out of the bag...this community is so incestous. Everyone knows everyone so information is readily shared amongst people. Watch what you say! We had a cool conversation of sharing of play...do you tell your regulars (they have regulars too) or not? We both came to the conclusion that it's best not to because what is the intent? Yes we want to tell our closest friends how much we enjoyed getting fucked but how does that impact the regulars? But then when the regulars find out, what happens? Mrs. DJs friends freaked out and treated them like crap. She noted that they were devasted and jealous. Mrs. DJ noted that their regulars began to diss the other couple they played with. Thinking about our own experience this past weekend, yes we thought our regulars were kind of slumming but do you think we would tell them that? Hell no! We enjoy them and would never put them in that situation. Too bad Mrs. DJs regulars put them in a tight spot because that does hurt and cause confused feelings.

Another thing I learned lately that it's hard when you get to be friends with both husband and wife. Like you learn too much where you are like "REALLY?" humm...that gets complicated. In my line of work I deal with confidentiality all the time so my mouth is like a steal trap but man, I so want to shake the two. They both know that there's stuff they need to work on but it's so important that they need to flush things out because it could get potentially scary which makes me want to run from them both as playmates...humm sometimes it's bad to know too much!

We Survived the Weekend Gracefully!!!

2010-07-25T05:38:00.000-07:00

I was able to channel my normal learning self yesterday. I must admit that it take take a bit to come out but she came out. Things got pretty ackward with the new couple and regulars. We were intruding on their second date....there was no question about that. It was like what are Mr. Learning and I going to do? After breakfast we went up to the office to check in. On our way to the office, we stopped and looked at a Subaru Outback that was parked outside of a site. It was gorgeous. A woman came out and noted "oh are you looking at my flat tire?" and we noted no we were looking at the car. But Mr. Learning being the good man who he is, fixed it. She was very nice and it kind if set the pace for the weekend. We checked in. While the new couple and regulars went down to pool. We walked around and it started to rain. Regulars went into the club house to play cards with new couple. Mr. Learning and I decided to give them some space and came back to the camper.

They come back for lunch. We were in the process of eating and they came in. I got a telephone call so I left for about 20 minutes. Came back to listen to the regulars and new couple critique a woman at the shower. It was overwhelming to me. I just got stick to my stomach. It was horrible! Then they wanted to go back to the pool area. They asked us to go and I was like after their bashing conversation there was no way that u was going to go. They were horrible. I had major anxiety to the point that I was panicing about being naked in front of others. So they went down. Mr. Learning and I sat in the trailer and I was filled with utter frustration. I didn't want to run but I knew I couldn't hide. Decided after a while of chatting what to do, to go down by the pool. Got there and I was straight up with people that I was scared. A woman named Maureen had me come over and sit by here. We chatted and after some pep talk from her, I was able to go into the pool. Made it into the pool and we started chatting with some people. After a while, the regulars and new couple got up and noted "we are going back to the fantasy tent(only place you coukd have sex in the open) and back to the camper". We told them to have fun. We chatted with more people and we met Mr. Ray. He was very nice after we told him our situation. Him and his wife invited us back to their camper to have dinner. With it being so odd at our site we jumped on the offer. Mr. Learning and I didn't know what to do then for the next few hours. After some talking, we decided to avoid going back to the camper and dinner was at 5:30. Around 5:15, Mr. Regular and Mr. New Couple came down and noted that they were thinking about dinner. We noted to them that we got an invite from a couple. Told them thanks for thinking of us, and gave a good time. We got ready and we had a lovely dinner with them. They gave us a tour of the campground afterward. Chemistry with them was nice. We came back from dinner and the regulars were hanging out. I asked if we were giving them plenty of couple time and they noted "don't worry about it". We just fell back into our regular role with them by the vanilla relationship we have. We got ready for the dance and set off. We didn't wait for them because they were talking about getting there later so why waste time? We met up with the Rays and danced some. Mr. Ray touched me how I like to be touched. Gentle kisses and hand on back of the neck. The regulars and new couple came down and we sat by them. They danced a little but they stayed huddled in the corner. Mr. Learning and I got out there and danced. They regulars and new couple announced that they were going back to the room. We told them to have fun and we would give them some space. We danced some mote and then we went over to a little bar called the hanger that was at the site. We chilled more and after a couple of hours we got back to the camper.

That's the trip so far. I think we handled it the best we could. We are happy that the regulars connected with another couple because we found out they have not since knowing us for the past year. We were able to give them respectful space yet not totally blow them off. We were able to socialize and meet new friends.

What I learned this weekend (can't include Mr. Learning because we haven't debriefed) is that we have to stop travelling in a way with the regulars. Best bet is that we are there but there should always be different sleeping quarters, drive seperate, don't put ourselves in a 3rd wheel position, and that we have evolved as swingers. The regulars have turned into more vanilla friends than play partners, something I didn't want to be honest about but they have. It's not that we won't play with them but in a way, they are staying where they are as swingers and we are changing. We are more social now chatting with everyone, they haven't changed in the past year. I feel more confident in my people skills, I feel comfy with going up to people, leading the way, and being myself. We'll see where life takes us but I can see us in a way distancing a tad from the regulars. We'll still hang out but the frequency will be less because it has to be. They need more time to pursue others while we figure out where our journey needs to go. We are changing and learning :)

Why why why do we get into these type of situations?

2010-07-24T04:14:00.000-07:00

Okay so I'm sitting in swingers limbo now...regulars wanted to go to a swingers nudist campground. We weren't doing anything this weekend so we decided to go. Hummm...second guessing that decision now.

They invited a new couple that they met a few weeks ago. We havent met them prior so we didnt know what we were walking into. The kast time we met anither couple with them it was their friends in Chicago. They were old and freaky. This new couple are very nice to chat with but we totally have no interest in them at all...not our type. For me the guy is way to short and the gal doesn't bring anything to the table. I think the biggest thing is the personality is flat.

The one thing that had gotten us in the whole is that we are feeling like we are intruding. It started out as fine but it grew more ackward as the night progressed. It's like we are intruding on their second date. Very ackward...

We have this flat out rule with our friends if you want to be with another couple, go be with another couple. If you are expecting us to be into group stuff if we are not into all parties, well I can't. I wish I possessed the skill to fuck my husband when I'm in a situation like that but I can't. It's like a deer in headlghts and I don't want anything to do with it at all. I'm feeling like that today. Who knows what the day will bring but to tell you the truth, I need an attitude fix stat! I need to be my charming Learning self but I feel kind of trapped in this limbo situation. I guess it makes it worse that accomodations is a fifth wheel. When we went to bed last night the whole place was completely rocking from regulars and the new couple fucking in their own beds. I think I need to shoot myself because I'm just kind of uncomfortable right now and hoping the day will pan out okay. Please let me have an attitude adjustment, please!

No snappy tittle for this one ;)

2010-07-20T09:11:00.000-07:00

Made it back from vacation in one piece! Rammstein was amazing. It was such a mans concert though...flame throwers, fireworks, setting a man on fire, and stuff like that. The coolest thing us that a member of the band got into a boat and he was surfing the crowd. Very entertaining! I loved people watching too because there was some amazing sights. I don't think they could ever do that show in the US. So it was well worth the 16 hour trip out there. Funny thing is that when we crossed the border, we got pulled over for a random check by the border police. No issues but we were an hour later getting home :(

We have the day to chill :) run a few errands, etc. But I have to tell you that there's no place like home. Nothing too much on the radar right now. We had an offer to have some friends come down from Canada that we met at a B&B this weekend but we declined because didn't want to entertain them for the whole weekend. Instead we are going to meet up with them at a party we are attending in a few weeks. They are excited because there are slim pickings when it comes to being a swinger up in Canada...old ugly people and other stuff. I was chatting with Mr. Chemistry and he asked if we were planning to do stuff with them. I have no idea if we are...we never plan for stuff like that but in a way we are not. They are a full swap and if I was a horny full swap Canadian I would be trying to find a full and not bother with a soft swap couple like us. Mr. Chemistry noted to me that I shouldn't sell us short but really....come on, if you are full, horny as hell, come from swingers hell, wouldn't you search out a full? Hell, I would! We'll see how it goes.

Mr. Chemistry noted that they get to land part of a couple that they have wanted to bang, this coming weekend. The female half has been given full permission to swap so she is going for it. I guess Mrs. Chemistry is not into the male half because his dick is the size of a sushi piece and he is a sloppy lover. So they get to have an experience with her. Swinging is an interesting lifestyle, that takes a lot of major trust to allow your spouse to have her (or his) own experiences. I will never get to that point in our own relationship, just not strong enough emotionally to do such a thing. I know my limits as a person and I cannot see myself going that far out. I know the lifestyle is a progression but for me, I don't want to go that far out where it could cause some emotional issues for myself. I'm very hard on myself emotionally plus uber sensitive (if you haven't picked that up yet) so I don't think I have any business fooling around with a full. Prior to being pregnant, I really did want that experience for Mr. Learning with Mrs. Regular but knowing where they are at really killed that idea plus in a way, killed our desires of doing a full. I have to say there is something safe about a soft swap...you go to that edge...you want more of course...but you just don't for some reason...

Quebec City is amazing...

2010-07-18T07:10:00.000-07:00

We are enjoying vacation and I'm totally relaxed now. Quebec City is amazing! If you cannot make it to Europe it's worth checking out because of the culture. We saw the Black Eyed Peas on Friday night along with 60,000 other people and tonight we are going to check out Rammstein. We also got to see a free Cirque de Soliel show and that was awesome. It was under a freeway. They do it almost every night. Then we raced over to the largest movie projection show. It took my breath away. This city is amazing, full of culture.

I've had some spotting lately. It's scary but the doctor noted that I cannot stop anything if I was to miscarry. I just need to wait and see. That sucks :( so today we are going to take it easy.

Swing club in Montreal...

2010-07-16T04:48:00.001-07:00

It's been hellish driving in Canada. The traffic is a nightmare and things seemingly get backed up for hours upon hours for simple construction. We'll have to remember that going home. We made it to Montreal last night. Walked some of the town and discovered that it reminded me of downtown Chicago. Nice busy atmosphere, lots of stuff to look at, and young people everywhere.

We decided to hit club Auberge 1082 because Chez Louis was having a gang bang. I asked if we could watch it and they noted more that they were looking for participants. I'm not into that so having the thought of "oh I have to participate" would be thanks but no thanks! We headed off to A Auberge 1082. It was about 10 minutes from the hotel. We arrived and it was very clean. Walked down some stairs, checked in with the girl, gave her $20. She gave us two towels and noted that we are to change into them. I was like "so I can't wear this in?" (pointing to my dress)" and she noted "no". We get undressed in their extremely clean locker room and debate about the shoes....on or off? We sat there 2 minutes trying to figure that out until we walked out with them on only to discover that you needed to take them off so we ran back to do that. We finally made it to the area to find one couple who were both extremely hairy and two single dudes. We sat and chatted for a bit then we played some pool. Mr. Learning showed me how to play. After the game, we observed one of the single guys stroking himself and the girl hollered at him noting that he could not do that there...just up in the fantasy room. I couldn't hit the hot tub nor the sauna so after some mire chatting we left. It would have been a killer night on the weekend. You can just tell by the set up but on a Thursday night not so much.

I think we are going to hit some major language barriers in Quebec. We already hit some here in Montreal. Mr. Learning is anxious to get there to settle in. I'm a tad nervous too so we'll see where that goes :)

Name change :)

2010-07-15T04:56:00.000-07:00

Name change...decided to change the name of the blog to Learning to.... We are always trying to live our life to the fullest that's why we got involved in swinging and so far it has been wonderful. Though I can't pretend that there are changes coming our way. So the format is going to change a little. Swinging will be involved but so will the other stuff :)

We are on our way to Quebec. We really needed this trip. Yesterday was a tad stressful. I had some spotting so that had me nevered up the whole day. We spent the night in Toronto and I have to tell you, it looks like an amazing city. We don't have any time to explore it today so hopefully we can come back some time because the city screams that it was a wild night life.

So here's to a relaxing day :) Living life to the fullest!

Ah yes, the Chemistry's!

2010-07-12T16:26:00.000-07:00

The chemistry's came and went and can I tell you, it was simply amazing!!! They came in on Friday night and stayed at a camp ground. We went over and sat around the fire. We discussed being pregnant and all that jazz. Mr. Chemistry has a thing for pregnant chicks :) Then Mrs. Chemistry offered to take Mr. Learning on a tour of the cabin. Mr. Chemistry leaned over and kissed me noting that he missed me and was happy to see me. Mr. Chemistry leaned in and said "let's go join them". One thing lead to another and we were all naked enjoying ourselves fully. I loved every second of it. It was so freaking hot. At one point I was grinding against Mr. Chemistry, he had his hand on my neck, fingers inside of me, and I just was gazing into his eyes that had that utter lust glow. Mrs. Chemistry was amazing, her body just stunning on how she reacted to Mr. Chemistry giving it to her in the ass. She had a horrible run in at the waxer so her nether region was off limits so no play from me nor Mr. Learning. I have to say that it was one of our best lifestyle moments. Everything felt natural and safe. They always leave me wanting more and more. We hung out with them out Saturday and showed them around our city. We had a good time and flirted with them. Very hot and Mr. Chemistry whispered in my ear how much they enjoyed the prior evening. Amazing !

I think we needed to take the past week to reflect on where we should go. We are swinging as long as we can so sit back and keep joining our journey. We are going to hit a club in Montreal this week. We are only spending one night there. We have yet to find any adult entertainment in Quebec. I'm sure we will stumble on it!

What to do...what to do...

2010-07-06T18:23:00.000-07:00

It was a nice four day weekend. We packed a ton in. A nudist camp visit, a weekend up at the folks, and a trip to Cedar Point with the regulars. We had a ton of fun.

As always, it was great to see the regulars. We just enjoy who they are. They are at a stands still with the lifestyle so it will be interesting to see where they land. The one good thing about them we can have fun with or without the clothes on.

I'm getting a little nervous about the chemistry's coming. Not too sure what to expect with them. I'm also horny as hell for them both but unsure if they will want to be with a pregnant chick. I'm not that pregnant. I so want to see Mr. Learning get with Mrs. Chemistry and I so wanted to have Mr. Chemistry in my mouth. Humm!

I don't know when to post on the profile that we will be out for a while. I still like the idea of hitting a few socials before throwing in the towel for a bit. Swinging has been such a positive outlet for Mr. Learning and I so I hate to throw in the towel so early but I don't want to creep people out either.

Life is interesting...

2010-07-04T18:55:00.000-07:00

Life is interesting...first off I found out the we are expecting our first child. We are terrified but excited. We have been married for almost six years now so it's time. We are at a good spot in life. We love each other, our communication is great, and we have had time to have fun.

So where does that leave swinging life? To tell you the truth, I don't know...yet. I do know that we will not be going out on any dates while I'm pregnant because that just seems way too odd. I figure we will do the parties until I show. Then if our friends that we have met still want to hang with us...well terrific. We still plan on hitting the Montreal club. From there, well I'm sure I'll keep you all posted

We told our regulars. They are estatic for us. We went to a nudist camp ground with them Friday night and had a blast. Its one of the best in the midwest. We were very scared to go nude but it was okay. There were all shapes and sizes at the camp. Mr. Learning didn't even undress in front of me seven years ago...now he got naked at a nudist camp! Love it! We played volleyball and that was entertaining. They take it very seriously. There was nothing swingerish going on in plain view. Funny thing we noticed is that there was a ton of possible bi guys because they were grinding on other guys and smacking each others asses. Humm!

We are going with the regulars to Cedar Point on Monday. No rides for me so I will be hanging with Mr. Regular. We had a good vanilla relationship going with them so I'm hoping we can still hang. There will be aspects of that being hard because I like swinging with them but I'm not to sure if they want to swing while I'm pregnant (in the early stages).

The chemistry's are coming this weekend so we will break the good news to them. We'll see where that goes. They are awesome and I would love to get with them but I'm not too sure where it will go. We'll see...but the overall cool thing is that I'm pregnant!!!!

2010-06-30T10:32:00.001-07:00

I'm finally getting it!!! I can go on these dates now and not take things personally if there's no attraction whatsoever and just take it as a good night out. We met the truckers and they were abosultely adorable both of them but there was no chemistry at all. Just good folks...I'm proud of myself. Brought my A game, was myself, and enjoyed the experience for what it was...yah!!!!

2010-06-28T12:46:00.001-07:00

I'm putting myself in time out. I'm taking a holiday from Facebook and yahoo messenger. I've noticed in the past few months that my online habits are becoming worse and worse so in order to unclog certain areas in my life I'm going offline somewhat. I've noticed that it's impacting my work life because it is a distraction. It's like I feel I have to check it all the time, which is totally unhealthy. I figure, I'll log into Facebook once per day and scan quickly but I'm curious what life will look like when I remove myself from those time suckers. I also need to tend to myself somewhat because I feel I'm sort of in a clusterfuck right now with nutrition. I need to focus on my healthy eating habits like I was doing a few months ago. I lost focus back in April when I lost my WW meeting. I know what I need to do, I just need to do it.

2010-06-27T11:46:00.001-07:00

It's been nice to reconnect with Mr. Learning this weekend. Even though we are traveling, it's been great to hang out with our vanilla friends and just enjoy life. We both chatted about how in the heck did 2 weeks go by and there was no sex. We just get caught up with life sometimes and we need to slow down. We still have this running pace until the end of July but we both are going to name a conservative effort to slow down somewhat with our vanilla life. It's hard at times because we both have those emotionally challenging jobs. I've learned to turn off my work mode @ 5 but Mr. Learning is still trying to learn that. He was in a very logical profession before his career change but now he's more in an emotional career telling people no all the time (which doesn't go well with his easy going personality).

When it comings to our swinging life, well we have a few things on the horizon buy nothing too big. We have a date with the truckers on Tuesday and the chemistry's are coming into town in two weeks. They decided to rent a cabin do we are just going to chill with them on that Saturday. It looks like bike riding, dinner, and a camp fire. Then the next weekend we are going to Quebec for a music festival. We have one night in Montreal so we are going to try to hit a club. I'm still surprised that Quebec has nothing to offer swing wise. Bummer!

2010-06-26T08:31:00.001-07:00

We are spending a weekend in Chicago with our vanilla friends. I love Chicago. We try to get over here about 5 times a year at least. We love what the city has to offer. Plans today include going to a mansion that is having an estate sale, ikea, and a trip into the city to get some BBQ at a place called honky tonk. So basically we are going to eat ourselves to death :)

Normally we would not have sex in someones elses bed but we had a dry spell. 2 freaking weeks without sex. That was horrible! I only saw Mr. Learning for 3 waking hours this week and it was stressful week at work for him so when that happens, it takes a toll on him. Plus I wasn't even in the mood but this morning when I looked at him and the morning wood I had to have him. We had a massive amount of foreplay...it was fantastic! Sometimes I just need a good fuck.

2010-06-24T02:32:00.000-07:00

HNT!!!

It is funny how each couple sets...

2010-06-23T15:42:00.000-07:00

It is funny how dates with couples get set up. After doing this for the past 10 months, Mr. Learning has always done the setting up of dates. Well, it's finally my turn. To tell you the truth, I understand why people do it but I do find it to be a pain because I like Mr. Learning to set things up. Chatting with an unidentified female is a tad on the awkward side for me. Like, I feel like a damn teenager. Gosh I hate that. I was supposed to call the couple last night but we were out car shopping so I wasn't able to make the call until 9:00 last night. She called back today and I'm stalling calling her back until Mr. Learning gets home so he can hold my hand through it...just joking. I just want him available so that we can firm up plans right then and there instead of this back and forth stuff. I'll let you know how it goes. There's a first for everything :)

Regulars send us a dirty movie clip of them fucking. Way too much fun. Now, they want us to send them one back. I honestly wish I was in the mood for making one but during the past two weeks, my drive is totally down. This is odd because my drive is usually pretty high. Maybe I've been way too busy with vanilla life but I don't like the idea of having a dryspill and it's looking like a drought over here right now. Got to spice that up. Mr. Learning and I have been pretty busy. Work tends to exhaust us more mentally than physically and sometimes that plays into the situation. I also need to say that I haven't been feeling on my A game lately. My hair needs tending to so I put an email into my stylist and self esteem wise, well I'm trying to bolster it up again. I think I'm in a tad funk right now and I just need to get out of it. I've been harder on myself more than usual, which is not me. I just need to lighten up on myself some. I'm also travelling a lot regionally for work and I'm exhausted at night where I know I'm not sleeping enough and going in early to the gym does not give me the option of sleeping in. I hate being in this stage but being here will lead to self improvement...I know it will.

On the vanilla note, we were out car shopping as I mentioned above and I have to say, we found our car. Unfortunately, Mr. Learning wants the bigger engine. For the compromise, we are going to save some money for a huge down payment so we can get a better monthly payment on it. It's beautiful...Dodge Challenger R/T model. It will be ours in the next six months. I'm all for delayed gratification because some things are worth the wait!

Happy Father's Day...

2010-06-20T04:29:00.000-07:00

To all dad's out there happy Fathers Day! I am pretty fortunate to have a set of terrific folks. They are extremely hardworking and great role models to me. This time last year, I had no clue that my dad was struggling with prostate cancer. Luckily, he beat it and he is now cancer free. Go dad! He's 75 and has the energy of a 50 year old. My folks are total pervs but the good time. Mom informed me that "your dad still gets me going after all these years!". Isn't that terrific?

Had fun at the wedding. We left about 9:45. Never heard from the regulars so we decided to go see a movie. Our schedules are not matching with the regulars so it probably be a while before we see them again. Which I'm kind of sad about but what can you do? We finally got to see the A Team and that was fun. It was just nice to spend time with Mr. Learning.

We two vanilla weekends coming up and then the Chemistry's are coming into town so no major swing action in the forecast. We might have a dinner date in a week or two but we will see. It will be a good tiny break from the lifestyle stuff and just the regular fun stuff that Mr. Learning and I do! Though I am slightly worried how quickly the summer will go.

Can I say awesome date...

2010-06-19T03:26:00.000-07:00

It was a great date and it was vanilla with sprinkles. Some flirting, some touching, and it was just nice. Great day where we both felt comfortable with the couple, chatting it up. The had to pick up the kids at 10:00 so we ended the evening. Mr. DJ kissed me in the parking lot on the way out. Which was nice because I dig him. Heck, we both noted how much we dig them. They just have all this positive energy. There will hopefully be more as they noted in a text "can't wait for more". Nice! Here's to more.

Thanks for the feedback on the opinions of what to share with others. This is always a fine line isn't it? You never know when you go over the line until it's crossed. It promoted a good conversation with Mr. Learning and I. I need to talk about this stuff. This is how I process things. I'm like one of those people who really need to talk things out so it's figured out/better so I can move on because I ruminate until things are sorted out in my head.

We have a wedding today so I'm looking forward to that. It's been two years since we have been to a wedding. We'll go try our new dancing skills that we have acquired in the lifestyle. We got a text from the regulars noting that their son is not home tonight so it could lead to more but who knows if we will be able to make the trip to go see them. It just depends when we leave the reception. If we could, it would be a nice evening maybe?

2010-06-18T13:57:00.001-07:00

How much to share? This is something that if I had a recent redo moment I would do it. About a month ago, I think I crossed a boundary on sharing too much. I cringe when I think about it even today. I've asked Mr. Learning to help keep me in check with this because I didn't do it on purpose but it just happened. So in the lifestyle how much is it okay to share? Where do folks draw the line? In my case I shared that we screwed a couple and didn't know their name and she screwed me so hard that it scared me. Yeah I was stupid to share and I totally regret it. Live and learn.

I think part of what's going on in our case is Mr. Learning doesn't debrief with me about things. I want to really chat things out but he's like "that was good" and that's that. For instance tonight we have the hot date with the DJs and I asked him " so if the situation presents itself tonight are you in the mood?". Mr learning replied "let's play it by ear.". To me, I would love to know so that if mrs. Learning is more vanilla or more swinger acting tonight. Mr. Chemistry noted that I should be more swingerish tonight. We'll see.